Suzy, Men, and Mermaids

I said goodbye to Suzy today. (Well, technically yesterday since it’s past midnight). She brought the kids over to play with mine one last time before they leave. I’m so sad.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to say goodbye joyfully…you know, happy that she and her ENTIRE family found a way to get back to Florida with great jobs and a new start back in the state they love.

BUT, the goodbye wasn’t an “I’m so happy for you” kind of goodbye. It was an, “I’m so sorry you are going through this” goodbye.

After she left, the house got quiet. A solemn moment reminding me that I’m alone. Scott is away on business and Suzy is moving home with a heaviness in her heart that she shouldn’t have to carry alone.

The rest of the night I attempted to “keep up” with everything. I did random chores, like clean up the dishes, let the dogs out, I gave Madison a bath. Most of the stuff I do is done with one hand because Madison insists that I hold her throughout most of the evening. Damn. I forgot to pack Eli’s spoon in his diaper bag. A good excuse to get a forwarding address?

I go to the front door and realized it wasn’t locked all the way. Better check the back door.

Shit! The key was in the dead bolt lock. That means I never let the dogs back in. That means the dogs are gone. They don’t waste any time running away. If they aren’t let in right away, they’re outta here.

I lost it. I started crying as I said that word over and over again in front of my poor 5 year old. I knew I was setting a bad example for him, but at that moment, I didn’t care. I can’t keep up.

So, After bawling my eyes out in front of my five year old and infant, I called him. I thought: I am a failure. I let the dogs run away while you are out of town again. I can’t handle this. If the dogs get hit by a car, it is all on me. The kids will blame me, I’ll hate me for it, and somewhere in the back of your head surely you’ll think about how I didn’t take care of your dog.

He ended up calling our pastor who lives in the same neighborhood. He went out looking for the dogs since I had 5 kids at home. “Yeah, good luck” I thought. How many times will this happen before something bad happens? These dogs can’t get lucky every time. But I prayed and sure enough, he called me up to tell me that he, along with two guys sitting outside smoking, found both of them. (aha! Cigarettes have benefited me in some way!)

I was still crying when Pastor and these two young men showed up with my dogs. I was feeling too emotional. I’ve gotten good about controling my emotions over the years. Too good. I just numb them. I’m tired of that. I want to be free even if it makes me feel like an idiot.

So as I cried I wondered: Does my husband REALLY have any idea how hard this is for me when he’s gone? Does he understand how much more the kids demand from me when he’s away – how much Kelly wears me down with her outright defiance? When he’s out of town, I don’t even get a break in the evenings. My break happens when and IF all the kids fall asleep before I do. Tonight I got lucky (or I was determined to blog).

I wonder – Does he think about the loneliness and emptyness and fear I feel at night? He calls me and tells me about his frustrations when things go wrong, or about his great day and all the great things happening at work. I’m happy for him, I’m excited for him, but him being gone gets so damn hard and it gets frustrating when my only exciting news about my job is how Madison learned how to spit while he was away.

I get frustrated when he calls and tells me he misses me so much because I’d love to stay on the phone and let him woo me with his words, but I am trying so hard to keep the baby from crying so I can hear what he is saying.

All this, my husband’s travel, losing the dogs, saying goodbye to a friend, made me realize this: Men do not understand the impact they have on their family (and others). Really. I don’t think most men realize how important their role as a father and husband (and brother) is in life. How their very presence can make every soul in the room feel safe, secure, loved, and valued – if they want it to be that way. They can have the opposite impact too. When they are absent, it is SO hard to keep order in the home. It is so hard to keep the kids in line and everything functional.

The decisions men make in life will impact generations. They are sooooo important. I love my husband’s manliness – his muscles, deep voice, toughness – how he demands his children respect their mother when they start to show a little attitude. He defends my honor. I love how he tells me how much he loves me and how he looks upon his children’s faces with a beaming smile that radiates his love for them. He is the strength of our family – our protector, our rock, our guide. It is no accident God placed him as the head of the household, why he gave man such an awesome responsibility.

With all the events going on around me, I keep reflecting on my mermaid dream I had while I was pregnant. In a way, I feel like Suzy was “my mermaid” during this period in my life. She revealed secrets to me about being a woman that I needed to know.

Suzy showed me (and a reason why I am thankful we became friends during her short time in the Carolinas) that I don’t have to be be numb. Letting myself cry, laugh, be angry, silly, whatever emotion I may be feeling – Expressing it doesn’t make me weak. To be transparent and real – opening up and being vulnerable, even at the risk of being judged by others – it’s all beautiful. She’s beautiful.