Yesterday, I ended up leaving Costco feeling like the worst, most neglectful mother ever. Is it a coincidence that I felt this way right before I am about to give birth to my 6th kid? Is it not enough that I’m feeling overwhelmed? I actually broke down in tears the other day as I told Dwight that I have no idea how I’m going to handle another baby when I don’t even know how to handle his crap. (He’s been in trouble the last week and has really shown me some attitude as a result. Who knew a teenager could break a mother’s heart so easily!!!)
But there was a time when I could shrug off people’s opinions and unwanted parenting advice:
Like Halloween night 1 and 1/2 years ago, we were taking our kids around the neighborhood with some friends of ours. Kelly was especially stubborn that night and refused to wear her jacket even though it was a bit chilly. So after arguing with her about it a couple times, I decided I’d let her figure out for herself that it was cold outside. She’s one of those kids I have to pick and choose my battles and this one just wasn’t one that seemed important enough to win.
So we are out and about and as Kelly approaches one house, this lady comes out, passes the candy to the kids and then asks her where her mom is. She said, “It’s freezing outside? Where is your jacket?”
Then she approached me and told me that she needed to wear her jacket! I told her that we had it with us but she refused to wear it, and I’d decided to let her figure just how cold it was herself. So she went back into her house and found a knitted shawl-type thingy that used to belong to her daughter when her daughter was a child. She approached Kelly who was now a couple houses down the street and told her it was a “magical princess cape” and convinced Kelly to wear it.
Then she told me that I needed to use “psychology” on my child to convince her it was her idea to obey me and do the things she should do. Let her think that she is in control, but really, I am. I’m just using “psychology” on her.
I was able to walk away laughing that night. Sure, Kelly cooperated with the complete stranger, but she had no idea how smart my little girl is. She can tell when you are BS-ing her and she may put up with it for a while, but she somehow figures out a way to use it against you. That is how smart my Kelly is! (Besides, we didn’t own a “magical princess cape,” just a jacket that clearly did not go with a princess dress!)
I knew Kelly would take that shawl off before the night was over. And she did eventually. She wanted her beautiful pink princess dress to be seen! And she never even asked to wear that “magical” shawl again.
The truth is, had the woman just not interfered, Kelly probably would have gotten cold enough to put her jacket on. Instead, the lady warmed Kelly up with the “magical cape” long enough for her to continue on her journey without ever stopping to think that maybe mom was right when she said it was cold outside!
Times like that, I can laugh and say, “Uh, huh. Okay. Sure.” And then walk away as I disagree. After all, I’m just not into lying to my children. They will figure it out one day and I don’t want them to think it is okay to manipulate or lie to me in order to get their way because I lied to them when they were little!
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But yesterday I just didn’t say anything. I left irritated and angry and feeling like a loser. I don’t know why that little incident left me feeling like a bad mama, except that maybe it brought back other memories of judgemental comments people have made about the way we raise our kids. Even family members have had the nerve to say we are too hard on our kids - too strict, over-protective, etc. Not that these same people spend enough time in OUR home, in our normal environment to see what our day-to-day interaction is like with our children, but they seem to have us all figured out with the little glimpses they get!
And what parent is perfect? What parent doesn’t get frustrated with their children or make mistakes somewhere along the way? Sure we all could learn something from each other, but shouldn’t the parenting advice wait until the parent asks for it? Shouldn’t the parent have room to fall and get back up again every now and then without outsiders criticizing them or making them feel terrible for being human or for being pushed to their limit (like only a child can push)? Shouldn’t the parent be the one to make the decisions for their child? After all, they know their child best!
So yesterday’s comments left me feeling terrible…and rebellious. Do you want to know the terrible deed I committed? I took Madison’s seatbelt off in the cart so she could turn around and say hi to the toddler in front of me. Someone before had tied the seatbelt in a knot, leaving very little room for movement, so after getting her to agree to stay seated, I unbuckled her…for 5 whole minutes as we checked out.
And the fact that she sat there for 5 whole minutes, completely content and happy to be able to say hi to the other kid in front of us, apparently made the other woman in line ”soooooooo nervous.” And when the cashier guy commented on how he was watching her when he first clocked in, squirming all over the place, trying to stand up, scaring him too? I knew he was talking out of his ASS because she was buckled in before that and the only time she tried to stand up was when I told her to during our stop at the concession stand!
I ended up leaving the place with my daughter still unbuckled in the cart…just because I could!
But at the end of the day, I realized that these strangers’ perceptions of me as a parent really don’t matter. I looked back at all I’d done for my children just in that day alone. I took Kelly out to get a special haircut at Cookie Cutters, just so we could have some fun, girlie, mom/daughter time before the baby comes. And then after driving Dwight to summer school, I took the rest of the kids shopping with me because I knew they’d enjoy the cheap pizza and simply coming along. And after buying them lunch, I endured 2 drink spills in the middle of the store, cleaning up one of the messes myself. I endured the “Look at this, Mom!” and the “Guys, keep up!” during the entire ordeal.
I got the kids home and dealt with attitudes, laundry, and messes, missing any opportunity for a nap because I still had to pick up Dwight from summer school. I then fed the kids dinner, dealt with more attitudes, and got Joshua ready for his baseball game. I sat there for 2 hours trying to cheer on my son while chasing down my tireless toddler and missing half his plays because I was trying to keep his sister out of the parking lot or off the field. Then after giving my dirt-covered girls a shower, I took the time to create another special moment with them.
I dressed Kelly up in one of my satin nighties so she could feel so beautiful and special when she went to bed, (she just loves dressing up in my clothes!) and then I convinced her to share one of her “beautiful nighties” with Madison just like I shared with her.
And you know what Kelly did? She picked out her most favorite, most beautiful nightgown - Tinkerbell! - to let Madison wear. How’s that for psychology??? I took pictures of my two beauties who had a true bonding moment, and then snuck a peak as they were tucked away in bed, sleeping soundly.
And it seems that opening up to Dwight about how I felt was the best thing for us. I think he saw that I too am human, and vulnerable, and I love him. The last two days he’s really taken the time to thank me for taking him to school and has opened up to me about some things going on in that little noggin of his! Maybe we will get through this!
And after all that, you know what I decided about the people who were sooooooo worried about the welfare of my children today? I decided that they could all just bite me. Because we somehow, even with all my neglectfulness, we survived the day in a very happy way!
