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Archive for September, 2006

I’m Sorry…

Okay, so of course it was the day after Scott and I got to have our nice little talk and we are working on the house, trying to get stuff done before my mom & the baby gets here. He is about to put up the new set of bunk beds since we moved all three boys into a room together and Pacey’s toddler bed is still in the way. I put some stuff on it because I was trying to decide where it should go.

When Scott came in, he wanted to know where to put it. I still hadn’t decided, so he just started tossing stuff on the boys’ beds.

That was it. I was ticked. “Just give me a second to decide!” I yelled. He gave me that. A second – as in ONE. Okay, that’s it…

Next thing I know, I’m pushed over the edge. I started yelling and cussing like a sailor. Usually, I know when I’ve pushed him just to the limit and back off, but this time, I didn’t care. He got that look on his face and I pushed further. I wanted him to know I was MAD at the fact that he couldn’t wait for just a minute for me to move the stuff off the toddler bed.

Little did I know that tiny ears were lingering, soaking up every word I said. That is until Scott and I went to separate rooms, he in ours, me in Kelly’s, to cool off. I began picking up toys since I needed to “do something” while I thought/cooled off.

Joshua was in there and looked up at me with his sweet little face and said, “Mom, you don’t worry about this room. I’ll clean it up so woahbe shwhere.”

“What?” I asked. He was mumbling.

“You don’t have to clean this room…okay mom? I’ll do it…so woahbe shewhere…”

“What? Joshua, I can’t understand you. You are mumbling.” I’m starting to feel a little impatient and really wanted to know what he was saying.

I got my answer.

He was getting impatient too. This time, he spoke loud and clear. “I saaaaaaid, I’ll clean up for you so there won’t be shit every where!”

Oh my gosh! I started cracking up, which immediately hurt his feelings. So then I had to explain to him that I was laughing because of ME, not him. I was the one saying the bad words and didn’t realize he heard. I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn’t have said that…and that HE shouldn’t ever say that either.

Then I walked into my room where my husband sat on the bed and apologized. I told him what happened, and how Joshua’s offer to clean the room helped me realize how ridiculous I was being. He apologized too.

“No, Honey, You don’t need to apologize. I’ll take all the blame, I was being ridiculous.” I said.

He is the one who is willing to apologize first after every argument…even if it’s not his fault. This time, I KNEW better, thanks to my son who was so eager to pick up the toys so there “wouldn’t be shit everywhere.”

To rub salt in the wound, I went back into Kelly’s room to find every toy picked and put up perfectly…it looked like I was the one who cleaned the room. Poor Joshua. He must have really really really wanted to make sure I wouldn’t have the opportunity to make that comment again!

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This Is How It Goes…

I’ve been busy busy busy trying to get stuff together before Thursday. It took me nearly 5 days to post Friday’s entry! But I got it done today. Plenty more to post, but will have to work on it tonight. I need to utilize every free moment I have to run errands and get ready for baby. 2 more days to go before baby!!!

I will have to post a funny story tonight though…talk about a very humbling moment…

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While waiting to see the Dr at my final OB appointment before the C-Section, Scott confessed to me that the months after having Joshua were the hardest time in our marriage for him. I was shocked to hear that. I asked him why, he said because I was crying all the time. For how long? I didn’t think I cried all the time THAT long.

About 4 months.

Crazy thing is, that’s not how I remember it. But I think he felt responsible every time I cried. I thought I went through the baby blues stuff for about a month, but he remembers it being longer. I pointed out how different things are. With Joshua, we’d just moved to a new state, my mom was able to stay a couple weeks, but after she left, I felt so alone. We had Dwight, but Joshua was my first baby and I knew nobody.

TWO months later September 11th happened. Scott was in the military and got called in to work long nights. To top that off, his 5 hour drive to post turned into a 2 hour drive due to car inspections and new miltary proceedures to prevent further attacks. He had to leave so early to get to work on time! When he’d get home, he tried to sleep, but that was hard to do during the day. We were in Texas, and it was still hot and the sun was bright. Even with black curtains, the room would not get dark enough. He was sleep deprived from work, I was sleep deprived from baby…and I very rarely had any adult conversation.

I remember looking at Joshua as he slept and thought, “What have I done? Why did I bring such a precious child into this wicked world? I can’t protect him. This is so unfair to him!”

So yes, I spent some time crying. But that is my release. I cry, I feel better. That’s how I am. But Scott sees me cry and feels like a failure. He feels responsible for every tear.

So tonight we sat on the back porch, just him and me, and for once in weeks, he started to open up to me about everything going on his mind. I got to share my thoughts with him, and we realized that even though we are going through some major stress right now, we can use this as an opportunity to pull together and grow closer. We’ve been kind of scraping up against each other trying to figure this out…you know, Iron sharpens Iron, we just didn’t realize that was the process we were going through at the time.

But today, God just seemed to speak to both of us and help us see each other’s world from a different perspective. I stopped by Scott’s office with the kids and it hit me. This is HIS world right now. He’s working his butt off and then coming home to a crying wife whom he can’t seem to comfort. His boss’ boss is draining him and doesn’t even seem to care as long as he gets what he wants. He’s drained dry and wants to pour into me, but there is NOTHING for him to give. If he’s dry, he’s dry. He has to wait until there’s something there before he can give.

And now that we were talking about things, I was able to tell him that he can’t feel responsible every time I cry. One, I’m a woman, and women get emotional and cry, (there’s nothing he can do about that). And two, that’s MY way of letting out the stress or sadness so I can move on. I don’t want him to feel like he’s failed me if he sees me cry. I think he’s beginning to understand. We are so completely opposite, we are still learning from each other after nearly 9 years of being together. I imagine we will never stop learning from each other.

And that’s fine with me. A little stress can be good for a marriage, especially when we let God speak to us and show us what He’s trying to accomplish in our relationship.

We’ll still both be stressed the next couple of weeks, no doubt, but we’re growing closer because of what we are going through and learning to give each other some breathing space, learning how to support each other in the way we need to be supported, not the ways we think we should support. Growing can be painful, but I look forward to the sweet fruit that’s produced after all the pruning!

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