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Archive for January, 2007

On My Adoption Story…

Boy did I mess things up. It’s funny how the brain works, getting details mixed up. I was wondering why I was having such a hard time getting my story together, but now I know. I had the dates all mixed up! This is what happens when I wait so long to write my adoption story. So….I am going to have to revise my story. Please bear with me.
I wrote that I met Patrick for the first time in the Spring but it was actually before that. I actually met him the Christmas before, but it didn’t seem like I did because it was such a miserable trip. Needless to say, I need to work on getting my story straight!
I’ve had a couple of questions regarding our adoption experience, and wanted to let you all know that yes, Kelly and Patrick are brother and sister. Yes, we adopted them both and don’t worry, her story ties in with Patricks. You’ll be able to read about it very soon!

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Making Time

The baby is napping. My husband gives me the look. When I pretend not to notice, he verbalizes his idea. “Let’s head upstairs,” he says. When my husband gets ideas like this, he is relentless. I could say no, but I have to be very mean for him to take me seriously. I’m not feeling mean today. Seriously, what can I say? Shouldn’t I be thrilled that he still wants me 5 kids later?

I walk up the stairs with him, somewhat reluctantly (although I don’t verbalize my reluctance) because I’m thinking about the things I could be doing at the moment. The baby is sleeping, it’s my free time! But I push all that aside and close the bedroom door.

I turn around and he takes me in his arms, kisses my neck, and pulls me into the bed with him. He ravages my body, and at the end of those two minutes (just kidding!), I can’t help but think, “This was so worth it!”

I lie in my bed and sigh. My husband is brilliant.

That moment of marital bliss, it was like taking time to smell the roses. I love roses.

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Sickness

Kelly threw up Thursday night.
Madison acted like she was going to the same night (but never did).
I’m sick.
Scott’s sick.

It’s been fun.

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The Nerve of the Man!

Not a day after I whine about how hard it is for me when my husband is gone, my husband comes down with Strep. He has to stay in Cincinnati until tomorrow because he’s contagious.

Since he is away on business, he had to take a cab to the Dr.’s because there wasn’t anyone around to drive him. He had to get a shot of antibiotics because he has such a hard time kicking the strep when he gets it…and I’m sure the Dr. had to prescribe additional antibiotics too. The poor guy has nobody there to take care of him. But he should be able to fly home tomorrow morning.

He totally should have waited to get sick until he at least got home so I could have taken care of him!

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I said goodbye to Suzy today. (Well, technically yesterday since it’s past midnight). She brought the kids over to play with mine one last time before they leave. I’m so sad.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to say goodbye joyfully…you know, happy that she and her ENTIRE family found a way to get back to Florida with great jobs and a new start back in the state they love.

BUT, the goodbye wasn’t an “I’m so happy for you” kind of goodbye. It was an, “I’m so sorry you are going through this” goodbye.

After she left, the house got quiet. A solemn moment reminding me that I’m alone. Scott is away on business and Suzy is moving home with a heaviness in her heart that she shouldn’t have to carry alone.

The rest of the night I attempted to “keep up” with everything. I did random chores, like clean up the dishes, let the dogs out, I gave Madison a bath. Most of the stuff I do is done with one hand because Madison insists that I hold her throughout most of the evening. Damn. I forgot to pack Eli’s spoon in his diaper bag. A good excuse to get a forwarding address?

I go to the front door and realized it wasn’t locked all the way. Better check the back door.

Shit! The key was in the dead bolt lock. That means I never let the dogs back in. That means the dogs are gone. They don’t waste any time running away. If they aren’t let in right away, they’re outta here.

I lost it. I started crying as I said that word over and over again in front of my poor 5 year old. I knew I was setting a bad example for him, but at that moment, I didn’t care. I can’t keep up.

So, After bawling my eyes out in front of my five year old and infant, I called him. I thought: I am a failure. I let the dogs run away while you are out of town again. I can’t handle this. If the dogs get hit by a car, it is all on me. The kids will blame me, I’ll hate me for it, and somewhere in the back of your head surely you’ll think about how I didn’t take care of your dog.

He ended up calling our pastor who lives in the same neighborhood. He went out looking for the dogs since I had 5 kids at home. “Yeah, good luck” I thought. How many times will this happen before something bad happens? These dogs can’t get lucky every time. But I prayed and sure enough, he called me up to tell me that he, along with two guys sitting outside smoking, found both of them. (aha! Cigarettes have benefited me in some way!)

I was still crying when Pastor and these two young men showed up with my dogs. I was feeling too emotional. I’ve gotten good about controling my emotions over the years. Too good. I just numb them. I’m tired of that. I want to be free even if it makes me feel like an idiot.

So as I cried I wondered: Does my husband REALLY have any idea how hard this is for me when he’s gone? Does he understand how much more the kids demand from me when he’s away – how much Kelly wears me down with her outright defiance? When he’s out of town, I don’t even get a break in the evenings. My break happens when and IF all the kids fall asleep before I do. Tonight I got lucky (or I was determined to blog).

I wonder – Does he think about the loneliness and emptyness and fear I feel at night? He calls me and tells me about his frustrations when things go wrong, or about his great day and all the great things happening at work. I’m happy for him, I’m excited for him, but him being gone gets so damn hard and it gets frustrating when my only exciting news about my job is how Madison learned how to spit while he was away.

I get frustrated when he calls and tells me he misses me so much because I’d love to stay on the phone and let him woo me with his words, but I am trying so hard to keep the baby from crying so I can hear what he is saying.

All this, my husband’s travel, losing the dogs, saying goodbye to a friend, made me realize this: Men do not understand the impact they have on their family (and others). Really. I don’t think most men realize how important their role as a father and husband (and brother) is in life. How their very presence can make every soul in the room feel safe, secure, loved, and valued – if they want it to be that way. They can have the opposite impact too. When they are absent, it is SO hard to keep order in the home. It is so hard to keep the kids in line and everything functional.

The decisions men make in life will impact generations. They are sooooo important. I love my husband’s manliness – his muscles, deep voice, toughness – how he demands his children respect their mother when they start to show a little attitude. He defends my honor. I love how he tells me how much he loves me and how he looks upon his children’s faces with a beaming smile that radiates his love for them. He is the strength of our family – our protector, our rock, our guide. It is no accident God placed him as the head of the household, why he gave man such an awesome responsibility.

With all the events going on around me, I keep reflecting on my mermaid dream I had while I was pregnant. In a way, I feel like Suzy was “my mermaid” during this period in my life. She revealed secrets to me about being a woman that I needed to know.

Suzy showed me (and a reason why I am thankful we became friends during her short time in the Carolinas) that I don’t have to be be numb. Letting myself cry, laugh, be angry, silly, whatever emotion I may be feeling – Expressing it doesn’t make me weak. To be transparent and real – opening up and being vulnerable, even at the risk of being judged by others – it’s all beautiful. She’s beautiful.

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Kelly At Work

I just can’t let the girl out of my sight for a minute. She got ahold of Joshua’s chapstick and went to town on her baby doll… And just in case the baby’s suffering from a little bit of cradle cap…

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Of Course

My husband flew out of town today. He gets to go to Tampa, Florida for a “Team Meeting.” Poor guy. (Not really – Poor me! I want to go to Florida!)

Now that I’m done pouting about my husband’s job perks, let me tell you what I get to deal with while he is gone.

1. Madison got her vaccinations today. Thankfully (and this was truly an answer to my desperate prayer on the way to the Dr.’s office), she is handling this set of shots much better than last time. She cried for about 10 seconds and then was fine. She’s a wee bit fussy now, and still just as clingy as she’s been lately, but nothing like last time. I might even be able to make dinner without holding her the whole time. Who am I kidding? I should just order a pizza! (Hey, Scott’s in Tampa – his job perk. I want pizza – my job perk).

2. Something is in my house. Since I slept like crap last night and had to get up at 6:30 to take my husband to the airport (my van is in the shop), I promised Scott I’d take a nap. Not 30 minutes after I closed my tired little eyes, I heard something. The dogs started going wild. I grabbed my cell phone ready to call 911 (there was an attempted break-in in the middle of the day in our neighborhood right after Christmas, so I was a bit shaken). It sounded at first as if somebody was messing with the door knob.

But as I listened closer, I realized there was nobody at the front door. No, it was worse. I checked outside to be sure and there was no one there. I was right, the intruder had already made his way in – somehow.

Talk about creepy. This little bandit is stuck in my house somewhere, probably the attic but it sounds like between the walls and it’s either biting away or clawing at the insides of my house. I called Scott to let him know what was going on and to make sure he was okay with me spending money on a pest-control super-hero.

So instead of catching up on lost sleep, I’m waiting for Squirrel-Killer Man to call me back so I can get him to get rid of this evil villian who happens to be tearing up my house. Okay, I don’t really want him to kill the poor guy, (I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to kill squirrels in this state). I just want him to get rid of the beast forever so I don’t have to listen to him tear up my house while laying in my bed wishing my husband was here with me.

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