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Archive for April, 2011

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Sorry. I just had to get that out – For the 20th time this morning. Yes, it’s been one of those mornings. One of those mornings where I prayed someone from this small town in Arkansas didn’t pull up to the lane next to me and recognize me as I was bawling my eyes out at the stop light. One of those mornings that still, despite my efforts, ended in failure. And here I am. Back in the blogging world to share my pathetic little adventure of the day, prompted by the one and only Dwight.

The morning started off fairly well, despite my latest personal health issues (IBS symptoms that seem to be especially active in the a.m. and at bed time). The kids made it off to school okay, my stomach hurt enough for me to decide to avoid the much-desired cup of coffee, but breakfast helped! America woke up in a good mood and Madison was sleeping in. It was nice and peaceful and though cloudy, NOT RAINING!
I only had two things on my agenda to take care of today. 1) Grab a few groceries for dinner for the company we are having over tonight, and 2) Get to my doctor appointment so I can discuss next steps since my blood test results came out pretty good and we still don’t know what’s causing all of my health issues.

Then I got the phone call. “Oh…Mom? Oh! I’m so screwed. Today is the mock trial day. Oh, I’m so screwed. I forgot my dress clothes. Could you bring it to me? It starts at 9:00.”

“Dwight. Why did this happen?” I asked.

“Because I didn’t plan it out. I’m so screwed!”

We went round and round as I tried to get him to the point. What I ultimately made him admit was that “Planning it out” means using the tools we’ve given him, coached him in, and begged him to use. Heck, we even took him to counseling to have the counselor try to reason with him. That worked for a month or two… But to this day he still insists that he doesn’t need these tools. To use these organizational tools is to admit to weakness in Dwight’s eyes. (Even though we’ve told him that his dad and I both use these same tools to stay organized!) All he had to do was use his planner and check it every morning and every evening to be sure he was set for the day. But noooooooooooooo.

I told him I will call him back as I started to throw on some clothes. I knew in the end I was going to bring it to him, but I wanted to make him sweat a little.

I texted him a couple minutes later. “If u can come out to the car when I get there, I will bring your clothes. What do u need?”

His reply: “What time will u be here?”

This. Is. Killing. Me. Did I mention I have little patience with things like this? Here I was, giving up my peaceful little morning in order to start driving the girls into fast-forward get-yourself-dressed-so-we-can-scram mode, and he’s going to answer my question with a question!

“Dude, I’m running like a mad woman trying to get myself & ur sisters out the door. Do u want to waste my time or do u want to tell me what u need so I can get it to u on time?”

Finally, the answer, “The black pants and shirt. Dress shoes and silver tie.”

So as I scrambled around trying to get myself, America, and Madison, (who’d just woken up) dressed and out the door with Dwight’s clothes that took a while and a few more texts to find. Did I mention I had to buckle in Madison’s car seat because I’d taken it out a few days ago and didn’t go back out in this wretched rain/flood since? And as I’m running out the front door with his clothes and car seat in hand, he calls. “Where are you?”

“REALLY, DWIGHT?” I cried…well, I shouted and cried at the same time. He thinks I can get the girls and myself dressed find his clothes stuffed in random places, and buckle the car seat into the car in 20 minutes!? Craziness!

“I am STILL AT THE HOUSE. I told you I’d text you when I got in front of the school! Now let me get this stuff and your sisters loaded up so I can get it to you in time!”
Funny part is, I only thought I’d told him I’d text him when I got there. Turns out I never really did. Ummm…heh heh…oops. Brain malfunction! But regardless…I was in a hurry, panicked…trying to be Super Mom.

Soooooo…
I wrestled with the car seat, threw in the clothes, then remembered I forgot the shoes. I told the girls to go outside and wait by the car while I ran upstairs to grab some dress shoes. I ran back out, locked the front door to the house, threw in the shoes, buckled up the girls, then ran to the other car to get the GPS so that I could be sure to take the quickest route possible. Only the GPS wasn’t there.

I’m pretty sure some cussing commenced about this point. I called Scott to ask him if it was in his car. Of course it was. And here I thought we’d be fine sharing a GPS! So I get in the car and start heading the long, but safe way towards the high school because I didn’t have time to spare or chance that I might be able to remember the faster route to his school. As I was half-way there, I get another phone call from Dwight.

“Ummmm, never mind. We are leaving for the courthouse now.”

“What?!? Dwight? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to have the mock trial at the court house? I thought it was at your school! WHERE. IS. THE. COURTHOUSE?”

He fumbled around with his thoughts as he tried to tell me, but of course he doesn’t know. Finally someone in the background tells him it’s by a local restaurant.

“Where. Is. THE RESTAURANT?” I ask. I was already out the door and on the road. My relaxing, stress-free morning was ruined. I was going to accomplish this mission I was on!

He fumbled with his words again. Finally, a woman takes his phone, “Mrs. Wallace? This is Mrs. ‘Teacher.’ The courthouse runs parallel to (names a street). It’s by ‘Restaurant.’” But don’t worry about it, he’s fine.”

“Well, I’m already on my way with his stuff.” I persisted. “I’d like to get it to him. I had no idea it was at the District Courthouse…I thought I was going to be able to get to the school before 9:00 . He didn’t tell me you all were leaving the school.” (She obviously had no idea what I just went through to just call it quits now. But, I was pretty sure the courthouse was closer so I was determined to get there).
Turns out it was a mistake to vent to the teacher about my son. “Did you not get the invitation I mailed out two weeks ago?” She asked. Buuuuuuuurn. What a clever and subtle way to let me know that I need to be more involved in my son’s fine educational activities.

Well, of course I got the invite…but I was not going to bring the 2-year-old and 4-year-old to the courthouse knowing I’d they’d whine and cry about how bored they were the entire time. Besides, Life has been too crazy lately, and my body doesn’t seem to be handling stress so well, so I intentionally chose to not add anything additional onto my agenda until I can get my body under control!
Besides, with Dwight, he never expressed a desire for us to come. I forget that when these things are important to him, which in retrospect, this mock trial was, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants us there. He could care less. Just like he could care less about senior pictures, getting his senior year book, or sending out graduation announcements.

At this point, I was feeling flustered, stressed, and praying and hoping all this stress was not going to bring on another round of stomach pains and nausea, so I just replied to his teacher, “I may have.” Did I really need to explain anything to her? Why did I suddenly feel like a little kid?

I got off the phone and pulled over so I could Map Quest the exact address of the courthouse. I was almost there…I’d stopped the tears. I was going to hand him his stuff, and move on with my day.
But, Damn! I couldn’t help but feel that teacher was judging me! I couldn’t get this out of my head. I imagined all the things she was thinking…how I, the parent of this high-functioning, yet special-needs child has remained uninvolved in his life. How sad it must be for him to have to make it out there on his own. How cruel it was of me to yell at him over the phone. How just investing a little bit of time into him would make a world of difference.

“She doesn’t know me.” I thought. “She doesn’t know our situation. She has NO IDEA how much money, therapy, and time we invest in that boy (more time on him than the total time we invest in the other 5 children!)…only to end up in situations like this because he REFUSES to change. His emergencies become my emergencies!”

And then I knew what my husband would say if he were here with me that very moment. “Why do you care what she thinks?”

Why do I care? I don’t know. Maybe because I am a pleaser by nature and I feel like I’ve disappointed my son’s teacher! Maybe because I want some understanding. Maybe because I feel like I’ve made so many sacrifices for this kid and since he never acknowledges or even notices the pain and frustration, it would be nice to feel that those also involved in his life get it and don’t judge me.

I hate feeling judged.

But I decided to shake it off. Okay, for real now, I’m going to move on with my day…just as soooooooon as I hand him his clothes, I’m going to shake this off and move on with my day.

And I was there – FINALLY, I was at the District Courthouse. I made it with 10 minutes to spare before the mock trial began. Close, but maybe he could run out and grab his clothes and throw them on real quick. I pulled into a parking spot and grabbed my phone, tapped on my phone and waited for it to ring as my eyes darted back and forth waiting for any sign of students or buses to appear.

And my call went straight to voicemail.

No. No, No, No, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I texted him. “R u there?”

And then I texted again, “I’ve tried calling u. I’m here but can’t find you.”

No response. So, I made one last attempt to call again. And again, the call went straight to voicemail.

Defeat laughed in my face. But by that point, I was so numb I couldn’t even cry. I’d planned on discussing his lack of communication from the beginning…like when he never mentioned he was leaving the school at 8:30 and that meeting him at the courthouse would be faster and the only attainable goal since he didn’t actually even call me until 4 minutes til 8:00…but now? Now I will definitely have to mention how rude and inconsiderate it was of him to not call or text me to tell me it was time to turn off his phone. Just a little call or text would have at least had me turning around and heading home a little sooner…and not waiting in the parking spot for my son to come out and grab his clothes as the girls whined about how hungry they were. It would have brought me to the realization a little bit sooner that my efforts to help him succeed had failed, and my morning was wasted on yelling, texting, running around like a mad woman, and starving my poor girls as I threw them half-dressed into the car…because…Dwight’s emergency became the family’s emergency.

So on my way home, I didn’t cry. In fact, I almost laughed, but the numbness settled in and I couldn’t do that either. This is my life. This is my norm. These little Dwight adventures happen to me all the time, but I still get worked up about it every time. And I think that the numbness might have been a good thing this morning…because usually I’m able to manage to bail Dwight out of his situation.
But not today. Today was an absolute FAIL. And Dwight will never understand the amount of effort I put into this morning, trying to be a good mom to him. That part frustrated me the most. In his eyes, I should have left the house sooner to get him his clothes. Instead, I was mean, insisting he stop asking me when I was going to be there because I was too busy trying to get ready to go. I should have read his mind. I should have known the students were taking a trip to the courthouse. I am not the hero today.

But, in my attempt to stay positive, I can at least say this: My stomach didn’t react to all this stress thrown on me this morning. (Thank you, Lord!) There’s a small victory…not one Dwight will appreciate, but certainly one I am counting as a blessing!

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I know I haven’t been able to keep up with my blog like I would like to, but I will get back on track. I have been a busy mama!

I have so much to write about, but now isn’t a good time. (I said I’ll get back on track…I just didn’t say when)! 🙂

Until then, I’m excited to share that I have been painting! I started taking classes last Fall and am starting to get my artwork set up on various websites online! I also included two of my “nude” drawings from a classical drawing art class I took when I was in college.

Anyway, here is a link to one website with my artwork. 🙂 I will be adding more paintings soon!

http://www.redbubble.com/people/mlwallace9

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