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Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

My husband left me a question on my last post, and there is my answer.  I have been so busy lately.  So busy that I haven’t taken time out to do the things I enjoy. 

But there’s always an adjustment period after bringing home a baby.  I remember when I had Madison, my blogging decreased quite a bit at first.  Eventually I was able to get back into the swing of things, then I had America!  But now that America is 6 months old (can you believe it?), I am hoping that I will be able to get back to some things I love to do! 

So blogging is one of my New Year’s resolutions.  My goal is to blog a minimum of 3 times a week and I’m setting Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays as my blogging days.  There’s just so much I’ve wished I had the time to record into words lately, but I just haven’t had/made the time. 

So tomorrow, I’ll have to post about the killer guinea pig we ended up bringing home.  And today, I’ll leave you with two crazy dreams I’ve had the last two nights. 

Tuesday night I had a dream that I discovered I was pregnant with baby number 7.  I was standing there talking to a friend when I felt it move.  I looked down and saw my belly moving and I just knew.  I rushed to a clinic and they decided to use two different types of tests to confirm my pregnancy.  I could see the results of one of the tests sitting on the counter before they even brought it back.  Two pink lines.

My first thought was, “I just knew I was going to have a fourth baby!  It was just meant to be!”

My second thought was “Oh crap!”  Because I realized that America was just 6 months old and I was already pregnant again…and I’d apparently been pregnant for a while, which meant these babies were going to be very close in age! 

Then I realized we were moving to Arkansas, so I wouldn’t get to stay with my OB here in OH.  I also knew we’d have to move in the middle of my pregnancy.  And Arkansas is not a VBAC friendly state!  So then I started stressing!  Would I have to have a C-Section?  Could I pull off a VBAC?  What about weaning America before the next baby was born.  How was I going to do all of this? 

Then I woke up and whew!  I realized it was all just a stressful dream!

Last night, I had a dream that we were sitting at home and Dwight was sitting on the couch crying over something ridiculous.  Scott and I were so fed up with his dramatic “its-all-about-me” pity parties that we told him to just go to his room.  (For some reason I keep thinking he was crying over a bowl full of cherries).  So he’s off in his room and after a while Scott and I realize he hadn’t joined us for dinner so we called him.  We decided to talk to him about his breakdown and he  had on these weird sunglasses that covered a majority of his face and behaved so strangely.

I finally told him to take off his glasses because his skin just looked weird.  It was yellowish and wrinkly and I wanted a closer look to see what was going on with him.  He refused so I grabbed his glasses and took them off.  Scott and I were taken aback when we were staring at an old man instead of our son!  

The old man turned out to be an evil kidnapper who paid off Patrick and Joshua ($75 each) to keep quiet about his scheme as he tried to pretend he was Dwight in the midst of his kidnapping scheme.  The old man began to mock us and started speaking in Chinese as he did these crazy kicks.  I guess he was trying to scare us but I wasn’t scared.  I lost it with the old man and kept yelling at him to tell me where my son was.  He would not answer and I became so angry and scared for Dwight that I started hitting and trying to hurt this man so that he would give me some sort of information. 

But finally Scott and I decided to check Dwight’s room.  Sure enough, he was sitting on his bed, waiting for us to tell him to come out.  I guess the old man had decided to try to distract us before actually kidnapping him.  The old man ran away, so my mom and I set out to tell the rest of the people in the neighborhood what was going on.  There were kids playing outside all through the neighborhood, so I kept trying to gather the parents together to tell them at once, only they were too distracted to listen to what I was saying.  I was so frustrated and irritated that they didn’t want to listen!  One man kept telling me to hold on, and as I waited at the front of his house, he kept running down the driveway to a car he was working on.  “Just let me replace this engine real quick, and then I’ll be right back,”  He said. 

 I looked at my mom.  “Did he just say he wants me to wait for him to replace the engine?”

There was also another part of my dream where I just needed to get away from everybody, but my mom knew what I was doing and wanted to talk to me.  I decided to run and try to get away from her before she could find me.  I found a secret hiding place in this house that actually led out to an over-grown garden area (weird dreams have a way of changing things up on me!) and tried hiding beneath some overgrown grass.  But she still found me.  She knew exactly where to look and I remember thinking, “That’s my mom.  She always knows just where to find me.  She knows me so well.”

So then we started walking around and we ended up with America on this weird amusement park water-type ride.  At first, America was in this carrier and the ride almost took her to the right side, or the “dangerous” side.  (The side babies were not allowed to ride on).  But my mom grabbed the carrier right in the nick of time!  So she pulled America out of the carrier and held her in her lap as we sat down and waited as we were pulled to the left on this water-type ride.  I remember worrying that it still might be dangerous for the baby, but I held on because it was already too late to turn back.   

And that was it.

Strange dreams.  Not quite sure what to make of it all, but it is somewhat funny.  Old man trying to disguise himself as a 15 year old kid.  Distracted parents, pregnancy, and water rides.  Yeah, I guess you could say my mind has been working overtime the last couple of days!

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Still pregnant, but getting closer.  Some really cool things have been happening this last week. 

First, I have a friend who tried calling me several times Tuesday.  I never got around to answer the phone or calling her back, but when she called me back on Wednesday, I picked up.  She asked me if things were going okay and told me both she and her husband were up the last two nights praying for me. 

Which was exactly what I needed.  It was just one of those moments where I was thankful for all the friends I have praying for me, and for a God who wanted me to know that He sees where I am and has people praying for me.  She told me that she and her husband were praying specifically regarding the spirit of fear and anxiety.

And as soon as she said that, I remembered my dream from the night before.  It didn’t help that I was up the last two nights with contractions (up until 2 a.m. Wednesday morning!) and crazy stressful, hectic dreams.  I’ve been stressing, or should I say, I’ve been afraid of this whole childbirth thing.  Can I really do it?  Am I strong enough?  Can I handle the pain?  Do I have the endurance, the strength, the will to make it? 

So after all the fretting and worrying I had this dream Tuesday night about this spirit in my bedroom.  It was made of fire and started throwing fire all over my room as if threatening to burn it down.  And then I saw each of my children, and he was threatening to throw the fire at them.  I felt like I was half awake, half asleep, but next thing I knew, I was mustering up all the courage I could by saying, “Jesus, Jesus…” because it was the only thing I could think of to say that made me feel better.  And then I prayed for His help, and then commanded that spirit of fear out of my house and away from my children too. 

But the crazy thing is, I could not remember that dream until my friend called me the next morning.  All I could remember was that I’d had another crazy, bad dream.  So it really meant a lot to me that one, she and her hubby were praying over me regarding that area of my life and two, I felt like I was starting to deal with it.  I can’t live in fear and succeed!  So after that phone call, I was able to move on in peace, and gradually, over the next 24 hours, I am feeling okay about this whole labor thing.

Good thing, cuz I am soooooooooooooo close!  (I just typed this post with about 4 contractions in between!)

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First, an update:

My mom made it here and Madison was pretty much all over her.  Yes!  So were the other kids, and I wanted MY turn!  So I talked her ears off for a while…telling her about the last week.  I probably should have let her talk more…  Good thing she’s here for over a month!

Scott is soooo close to finishing the kids’ swingset.  Woo hoo!  Too bad it started pouring rain on him this afternoon!  But he’s working his butt off to get this done for the kids – Such a good Dad!

I discovered today that I can do my squatting excercises all by myself – without Scott’s help!  It made me feel good, like maybe I’m more prepared for the labor/childbirth experience than I realized. 

I guess only time will tell.  I’m off to dreamland…only to dream, I’m sure, about the impending labor.  That’s all I seem to dream about lately.  That and tornadoes and oh yes, my husband being involved in some church mafia!  Who would have thunk it?  My husband as a church gangster!  Ha ha! 

No really though, the dreams are quite stressful.  I was trying to figure out if I needed to save him from the other mafia guys because something bad happened within their secret business and they were blaming him.  I knew this because I was in the same room as them when he told me to grab Madison and get out of the room so they could talk in private.  I knew that something was up, that he was either in real deep trouble or that he didn’t want me to hear how they were going to resolve the issue.

I wasn’t sure if they were about to do something to him, but I waited on a balcony where I could see the door, just waiting for gun shots or some sort of sign that everything was worked out.  Thank God church started because they all had to get into the service and didn’t have time to hurt my husband!  Whew!  Close call!  Now I just had to figure out if I could somehowe get him out of this mess before the service ended! 

Ah yes, CRAZY dreams.  And I know it was just a dream, BUT I WILL be keeping an eye on my husband during the service tomorrow morning!!!  No secret meetings, ya hear?

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Prison Dreams

Okay, so I’m not posting what I started yesterday, but I just have to get this off my mind, and I’m hoping you can help!  I’ve had two dreams in the last four days of being sent to prison…Here’s a brief description of each:

Saturday night I dreamt that I was in prison and 7 months pregnant. (I currently am 7 months pregnant). I don’t know why I was there, but I was trying desperately to get out early. I was told I was sentenced there for 9 years.

I was in this special rehabilitation program that required me to do something for the community too, so I developed this youth soccer program where the inmates helped coach and mentor underprivileged children. It became a huge success/event where the city supported it and they had fire trucks and police cars and everything at the opening ceremony.  Also, Scott and my grandpa were there at the ceremony to visit/support me. 

But they still weren’t going to let me out after that. I did everything I could to prove to them that I wasn’t evil and went through all the appropriate personnel to try to get out early, but one woman told me that I wasn’t even up for a hearing for another several (maybe 9?) months. I remember freaking out and crying at the fact that I couldn’t get anyone to even consider letting me out early, thinking about how I couldn’t possibly have my baby in prison!  I wasn’t even sure if they were going to let me keep my baby or take it from me after giving birth!  It was the most aweful feeling ever!

Last night’s prison dream I was actually sent to this cave after killing another woman with acid. I remember squirting this acid-like stuff from a pen and laughing.  I don’t know if I thought it was just a joke, or maybe ink, but then the acid began eating away at the woman and killed her.  She had two teenage sons.

So I was escorted to this cave.  I passed by several “cave rooms” with sheets covering the doorway.  All the other inmates were women and there were several small dogs and cats there too in order to keep the inmates company. Some of the rooms in the cave were dark rooms designated for solitary confinement.  I was afraid they were going to send me to one of those rooms, but they continued to escort me deeper into the cave and I remember being thankful for passing by those rooms. I was ushered to a cave room with two other women who were in the middle of a counseling session. I was told these two women were going to be my roommates. 

I knew my time in these dark caves (there was some light, but not the natural sunlight I really enjoy!) were going to eventually drive me crazy, with only an hour or two of outdoor time per day.  But I knew I was going to be there for a while, so I figured out how to try to cope and not be completely miserable!

So…any ideas or input on what it all could mean? 

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About a week ago, I ended up on a spontaneous date with Jim Halpert.  Not the actor, John Krasinski, who plays Jim Halpert on The Office, but the character.  At least that’s how it was in my dreams.  It was actually kind of funny.  Funny enough to tell my husband that I dreamt about going on a date with another man!

In my dream we kind of knew each other, had the same friends.  I was walking outside at this big shopping/hang out place.  It was mostly outdoors, but nicer than a flea market.  There was lots to do there and he just happened to show up in the same spot I was standing.

“What are you doing here?”  I asked.

He was going to get some dinner, and asked me to join him.  So we walked on over to the outdoor Hibachi grill in the shopping area we were in.

We sat down as several Asian ladies came up from behind the box-shaped counter to take drink orders.  Diet coke for me!  One of the older Asian ladies brought me my drink a few minutes later, but she didn’t seem so nice.  Seems like she was half-way scolding me for something…maybe it had to do with my drink?  I really couldn’t tell because she really wasn’t making herself clear.  Hmmmmmmmm…what’s up with that?  I couldn’t figure out what her problem was, but I remember her making me feel a bit uncomfortable!  Not good for business!  Oh well.  Back to Jim.

I found it interesting that he went ahead and ordered for the two of us.  And as they cooked up our food, we enjoyed the beautiful weather outside and talked about life and friends.  When they brought us our food, I could not believe the amount on my plate.  They heaped on noodles and rice and meat.  He must have ordered the most expensive thing on the menu!  One for each of us!  I didn’t even put a dent in it.  Awesome!  Leftovers!  For a week!

As I was still nibbling here and there on my plate, Jim asked to be excused for a minute.  He walked off and I took a few more bites.  When he came back, he’d obviously changed, so I made a comment about the uniform he was wearing before spooning another fork-full of meat in my mouth.  He responded that he had a football game to get too.  

Football?  I looked at his uniform again as I chewed my food.  Oh. my. gosh.  I could have swore when I first saw him he was wearing a baseball uniform!  Thank God I had food in my mouth before I said anything and made a fool of myself!  THAT would have been embarrassing!  So yeaaaaaaah.  Football.  (I wonder why that sport got thrown into my dream?  Couldn’t have anything to do with watching Leatherheads, right?)

As we sat there, waiting for our food to get boxed up, I realized that, oh my gosh!  I’m pregnant!  I sat there as he talked away and tried to process how this happened.  Who in the world did I sleep with six months ago to get me pregnant?  I looked down at my belly.  For the life of me, I could not remember.  Then I realized how much I liked Jim.  So does that mean I’ve ruined our chances?  How will he feel about the fact that I’m pregnant…will he too want to know who it was I was with?  I didn’t even know, what was I going to say to that?  How was I going to tell him? 

And then…relief!  Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute.  I have FIVE OTHER CHILDREN!  AND???  Jim knows about them!  What’s one more kid?  Right?  Suddenly, I wasn’t too worried about how he’d feel about this pregnancy. 

And then I woke up.  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah…I think I’ll blame this one on the pregnancy hormones!

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Last night I had a dream that I had the baby.  I was at the hospital, and it was just me and my doula.  For some reason, Scott wasn’t there.  My doula was telling me to push, and even though the labor must have progressed quickly, I felt so tired, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to push as long as I needed to in order to get this baby out!  But I stood in a squatting position and pushed with the doula coaching me.  The doctor wasn’t going to make it.  It was just me and her.   

Finally, the baby was born, and as the baby emerged into the world, I looked and saw that it was a boy.  At that point, Scott was finally in the room and he said, “I told you so!”  In my dream, I was thrilled this one was a boy, and wondered if the whole time I was pregnant I kept saying I thought it was a girl because I was afraid that I’d be disappointed if I thought it was a boy and it turned out to be a girl. 

Anyway, next thing I remember, I was at home, pulling the baby boy out of his car seat.  He slept soundly and then finally woke up.  When he woke up, I realized he hadn’t eaten since he was born!  I hadn’t even tried to nurse him!  So of course, I held him to me and nursed him, wondering how I could have forgotten to feed my poor baby over the last day or two. 

I woke up after that, realizing that there really is a little baby growing inside of me, and I’m looking forward to holding and meeting him or her soon!  9 more weeks to go!

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I really haven’t verbalized my ONE New Year’s resolution because really, it was between me and God…that and I was too afraid to say it out loud.

One night earlier this month I prayed to God and told Him that I was going to try to trust Him more – that I was going to try so hard to stop putting the sins of my earthly father on Him, making Him out to be the same Dad I grew up with.  Honestly, I tend to think that God is going to make bad things happen to me, that He is going to take away the good things I’ve been given, and He is going to replace them with heartache and sadness.  I just have not been able to comprehend in my warped little mind how to believe that He really truly loves me.

But deep down inside, I know that it’s all wrong, so I said that prayer.  This was my only New Year’s resolution – a prayer to God.  Simply put, I said I was going to trust Him more, completely, with every aspect of my life…but I knew it was going to take some time…and I’m trying.

But since then, God really hasn’t let me forget about my prayer.  Little circumstances seem to remind me that I need to remember who He is, and who He isn’t.  There is so much about Him I don’t understand.  And my trust in Him still isn’t where it should be. 

Ironically, in the Bible study I mentioned before,  The Patriarchs, by Beth Moore, she’s already pointed toward trusting the God of Abraham.  Listening to this woman talk, and digging into the study and getting the point she is trying to make, well…

It’s like somebody has pressed their hands on my back and then shoved me forward, never removing their hands, but continuing to move.  And it doesn’t matter how much I resist, I’m being plummetted forward against my will.

Way.  too.  fast.

I just want to slow down a little, take things at my own pace, because really, this is hard.  It’s hard for me to trust a God I simply do not understand with my life, and with the lives of those I love most.  In fact, during one of the devotions in the study last week, Beth Moore asks us to think of two difficult questions.   I couldn’t even write down the one question that came to mind.  It just hurt too much.

Yesterday was a bit rough.  I was just so emotional.  I haven’t been sleeping well anyway, but add that to the stress of trying to get kids ready and then.  *sigh*  And then Patrick telling me about his stupid dream.   It was just too much.  We were on our way to drop the kids off at a friend’s house so that Scott and I could go see Wicked when Patrick told me he had a dream the baby was born. 

“Really?”  I smiled.  How sweet. 

“Yeah, but there was something wrong with the baby .  You told us that it was a little bit mentally handicapped.” 

Did NOT need to hear that.  I lost it.  I chewed him out.  “Why would you tell me that?”  I yelled.

“He’s ELEVEN.”  Scott said.

It’s no coincidence that this happened during this time in our lives.  Scott is a bit more stressed with…well…with things that I’ll share later.  And I’ve had this fear that I’ve tried so hard to keep silent, that something is wrong with this baby.  So when Patrick brought up his dream, I freaked out on him.  He basically verbalized my fear, and I had to acknowledge that once again, I did not trust God. 

I was scared out of my mind, and I fell.  I screwed up.  I hurt, and I got hurt back.

I spent most of the day crying.  At least it seemed that way.  I held back the tears during Wicked, although a time or two I had to fight back hard to keep the tears from falling, and by that evening, I was just an emotional wreck.  I didn’t feel like Scott responded to my emotional outbursts the way I needed him to, and that just made it that much harder to get over it.  Sometimes I feel like he’s talking to me like I’m one of the guys, or one of his soldiers who just screwed up.  So we both wind up getting angry with each other.

Really, I just needed a night to be weak.  I feel like I’ve had to be strong all my life.  I’ve had to be strong for my sisters, my mom, my dad…and then getting married to an Army officer with a 4 year old son, there was no time for weakness.  I’ve never – NEVER felt like I could just fall to the ground in weakness while someone else picked me up.  Last night, I gave up.  I just couldn’t be that strong person anymore, and in the end, I told my husband so.  “I’m not like you.  I’m not a man, I’m not this strong warrior who stands up to fight every battle.  I’m a WOMAN.  I am going to have moments of weakness and I need you to fight for me when I am weak.  I need to be able to be weak for a moment, and to just be held and protected through it.” 

It’s true.  I am a woman.  Most of the time, I am strong, but sometimes I want to be rescued. I want to be the girl who’s father raced to the basketball court and scooped his daughter up in his arms when she got hurt.  I want to be that important – that I am noticed when I am hurting or scared.  I want to know I’m not going through it alone.  When I am weak, I want to be covered with the strength I don’t have, with grace and compassion.  And there will be days I will just want to be held, to lovingly be told truth, because I know there are times I need to hear it, so that I can rise up and be strong again. 

So last night Scott FINALLY got it, after a few harsh words, me resenting him for it, and then making myself completely vulnerable to him.  Sometimes I get so angry at Scott’s stepmom.  She tried so hard to screw him up the best she could.  Sometimes I feel like I’m torn down before he understands that I need to be built up (or picked up) – I tear myself down enough on my own.  especially when it comes to my failures as a mother!)  I really don’t need any help in that department!

But it’s a growing process, and I’m blessed to have a husband who tries and reaches out even after growing up in the kind of home he grew up in – one without compassion or love or understanding.  Honestly, I’m still amazed at what he’s overcome, that he is the kind of man he is.  He could have used his past as an excuse and made poor decisions for the rest of his life, but he fought against the odds and the lies and the hate, and he’s overcome.

So, my husband is the warrior, who is trying his best to understand and be there for me, his bride – a woman, who sometimes just needs to be carried in a moment of weakness.  And last night I had a very tearful talk with my Heavenly Father.  I asked Him to hold me too.  I’m still not quite there…not quite trusting Him.  But I’m trying, and I’m being pushed (even against my will).  So I know I’ll get there, one day.

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