Archive for the ‘Frustration’ Category

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I should be blogging my birth story, and I can’t wait to do so, but for now, I just have to put in a quick post to say we have spent the last 2 days dealing with a lice infestation!  Imagine my horror, coming home from the hospital on Saturday with a newborn and discovering lice on my 5 year old 2 days later! 

It started off so good too.  The home nurse came by for a visit and the baby has only lost 4 ounces since birth!  She was very encouraging and we had a great visit.  Then we went on with the day, thinking it was going to be a day of relaxation and recovery.  But no.  Kelly kept scratching her head, complaining it itched.  So I told her she probably had dandruff and to let me check.

I pulled her hair over and discovered those little bugs crawling all over her head!  “Ewwwwwe!  Oh nooo!  She has lice!”  I freaked.  I was so disgusted, and Scott knew to get out the door and to the store right away, where he spent $150 on lice treatment products! 

So we started with Kelly and she was covered.  I’m not talking about just a little lice.  My mom used the comb on her hair after Scott shampooed it and she covered 3 paper towels with lice and nits!  It was so disgusting. 

Then we checked our hair and sure enough, Mom and I both had nits and then we found two live lice on Madison’s hair, so we treated her too (although we found no nits/eggs). 

We spent the entire day dealing with the lice infestation.  Laundry, hair, bagging up pillows and stuffed animals, clean up, etc.  My poor feet were so swollen by the end of the day, which was crazy because they hadn’t swollen up the entire pregnancy.  But I had to get that stuff taken care of right away.  It was making me crazy just thinking about it, and you can bet I’ve been picking through the baby’s hair just looking for signs of lice on her head. 

Oh, and if the baby blue’s hadn’t set in yet, Lice will most definitely make a postpartum mom cry!  Yesterday was Scott’s last day off and I was really looking forward to some bonding time.  Instead, we spent the day just dealing with nasty bugs.  Fortunately, he’s still working from home the rest of the week, but he isn’t off work.  I’d love his full attention right now, but I’m thankful he’s at least home!  I love having him around right now. 

Today I continued to find lice in Kelly’s hair so we treated it again and I pulled out several more nits and a couple of lice.  Ugh!  It’s certainly not how I anticipated spending the last 2 days, but thank God for my wonderful mom and husband!  I don’t know what I’d do without them! 

So, now I get to start making some phone calls to let our friends/family who’ve been exposed, know about the situation.  The call I’m dreading most?  My Doula.  That’s going to be a fun one!

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I always wondered why families did it.  Why do moms take their sick kids out when they should be at home recovering?  Shouldn’t they let them recover in the comfort of their own home? 

Well, now I know.  Two months of near-constant sickness and now I get why sometimes you just have to push through it.  I have been miserable.  I was at the point where I was depressed and crying every. single. day.  The long cold winter days, ridiculous snow storms in March, and gloomy skies have not helped.  Oh, and the hormones. Hormones don’t help.

I got to the point where I pretty much stopped posting my blogs publicly.  I have several private and “Draft” posts, but they were just too emotional negative to post.  Not to mention, I was constantly crying to my husband.  “I NEED something more,” I told him.  I needed to feel like something more than a puke-cleaning, diarreah diaper-changing, snot-wiping, laundry-folding, cooking housewife.  I just felt lost in the midst of it all.  All the while, my husband was getting praises left and right for all the wonderful things he was doing for the company.  Eventually, I even got jealous.  I needed to hear that what I was doing was important.  Instead, I heard my kids complaining about how I’d failed them (or their expectations at least!) in some way or another.   

So a couple weekends ago I had my emotional breakdown.  I knew I was depressed.  I knew I was tired of the way things were going.  I knew that I left my comfortable life in SC for what?  This?  Everything I’d built, the friendships, the ministries, the home we had, I left for miserable coldness and sickness and loneliness.  Sure we found a great church here, but their ministry needs are not the same as the ones the last church had – the needs I felt capable of contributing towards.  And the ministry Scott and I have been called to do since the day God brought us together, well, that was put on hold too, because we were told we’d probably be moving again.  I remember telling my mom that I didn’t even want to tell my doctor about my depression because I was not going to take any meds during my pregnancy!  She assured me that my doctor wouldn’t put me on meds during my pregnancy.

My husband, however, was wonderful enough that weekend I broke down to skip his monthly poker night with the guys to take me out and spend time with me.  I SO needed that.  Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been having to step aside for everything else going on in our lives.  There’s always something more important.  And that week was the worst because I knew that the weekend was filled with plans and even the weeknights when I tried to plan at-home date nights where the kids went to bed early, my plans were crushed each night with the reality that we’d already made plans for each week night too!  I felt defeated, and I needed for us to invest more time in our marriage!

So Scott skipped poker night and took me shopping for a dress for the next night’s event – Founder’s Day.  Keep in mind I’m needing Maternity clothes by now, so trying to find a “dressy” maternity dress anywhere in the mall was quite the challenge.  But we did it!  And then he took me out to dinner.  Of course, Madison was with us the entire time, since we didn’t have a babysitter! 

The rest of the weekend went mostly well with Founder’s Day Saturday night and then Sunday, actually hiring a babysitter (for the first time since we’ve moved to Ohio) and going on an afternoon date with Scott.  We went to the movies and watched 10,000 B.C. and then headed to Wal-Mart where suddenly Scott was getting on my nerves more than ever!  It didn’t take much longer before I insisted we leave and we headed straight for the Urgent Care Clinic 30 minutes before they closed.  That’s right.  He dropped me off and went home to pay the babysitter and let her go home while I waited to be seen for my painful Urinary Tract Infection.  No wonder why I was making so many trips to the bathroom during the movie!  No wonder why I wanted to ring my husband’s neck for no apparent reason!  Good thing I went because by the time I went in to give them my sample I was bleeding!  Ouch.

Anyway, I figured the way we’ve been getting sick every single week that this must be this week’s thing, right?   It was my turn to feel sick.  Wrong.  Monday night, Madison woke up puking.  I ended up “sleeping” with her in the guest bed in her room that night because she was up puking from about 10:30 until 2 – 3:30 ish.  Have you ever tried to get an 18 month old to puke in a trash can?  Impossible.  So with piles of blankets, towels and sheets on the floor, we finally slept after about 3:30 a.m.  The next day she seemed clingy but mostly better, but that night, she puked one more time.  Weak stomach, right?

I figured she might have just had a rough night, and we proceeded with the week getting ready to go on a trip.  Because when I had my emotional breakdown Scott suggested we actually get away for Spring Break.  At first I told him I didn’t even want to think about it, but after thinking about it overnight, I thought it might be the best thing for us.  Afterall, this will probably be the last trip we take for a while since this baby is going to be born in the summer!

So, I spent the rest of the week getting ready.  I did loads and loads of laundry every day so that I could be completely caught up and then began packing our bags Thursday.  My goal was to get it all done before my sister-in-law, Tina, got here, because she and her husband and kids were able to come down for the weekend.  We hadn’t seen them in 10 months!  So needless to say, we were all excited about that and I didn’t want to spend any time packing when I could be hanging out with family.  So Thursday, I stuck my last load in the washer, got it clean and ready to dry, when what happens?  The dryer stopped working.  ARGH!  But hey, at least I got nearly every piece of laundry in the house washed, right? 

Thursday night Tina and the gang get here and I am up in their room talking when I get some great news.  Joshua just puked all over his bed and floor.  Ohhhh noooooooooo!  I was just sure that Madison had a sensitive stomach.  But no.  Joshua was up most of the night puking his poor little guts out.  So I stayed up with him until about 3:30 before he stopped.  Oh, and the laundry?  I had some dirty laundry now!

So the next day, he’s still not feeling 100% but at least he only puked a couple more times.  (Thankfully while Tina and I were shopping for Easter candy! heh heh)  I was tired, but I soooooooooo enjoyed hanging out with Tina and seeing the kids again.  Things weren’t going as planned (we’d originally planned on taking them out to a couple fun places), but at least we got to see them!  And Tina was a good sport about the whole thing.  She said she would have come no matter what our kids had.  I just hope that she didn’t end up regretting that decision this week!

So, anyway, we were hanging out that evening in the living room thinking about how Joshua was actually going to get some sleep that night, when Kelly woke up, “Moooom, I don’t feel good.”  Well, she was being so dramatic, we really thought she just wanted to stay up.  But sure enough, she ended up puking too.  By 2:30 the next morning, I woke Scott up.  “Can you please get up with her just this once?  I just can’t do this anymore.  I need one break!”  I’d been around so much puke that I was afraid I was going to puke if I had to smell it, hear it, or clean it one more time.  So Scott got up with her and was awesome enough to stay up until 6:30, comforting his little girl as she puked her guts out.  See?  I told you he is awesome!

By Sunday, the kids seemed to be mostly better.  Tina threw together an egg-dying table while Uncle James hid plastic Easter Eggs out front.  I remember thinking about how my kids would have had to have waited if it hadn’t been for her because I was just so tired!  I don’t know how she does it.  She’s like the Energizer Bunny!  So the kids did their Easter Egg hunt and then it was time for them to head home. 

I knew my kids weren’t 100% and probably could have benefited from recovering completely in the comfort of their own home, but I also knew that if we didn’t go on our planned trip, we’d probably regret it.  They were still feeling a little weak, but we decided, even though we were tired, that we were going to head out later that night.  So…that’s what we did.  It was time to just push through and not let all the sickness we’ve been plagued with the last couple months defeat us.  And let me tell you, we weren’t sure if we made the right decision or not!

 To be continued…

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I love you, so why do you have to make life so difficult?  WHY?

I really just want to pull my hair out dealing with him lately.  We’ve really been dealing with some stuff.  Nothing major, but at the same time, just frustrating. 

Like yesterday morning, when I was woken up at 5:30 a.m. by a phone call.  Another 2-hour delay thanks to the snow.  2 phone calls later, and I’d given up on sleep.  Apparently they feel the need to call twice to inform me about school delays, and then once more to cancel school altogether. 

So there you have it.  No school.  Scott flying out of town.  Meaning I get left home alone with the kids all day.  Fine.  I can handle that, right?  I stayed up with Scott for a bit, and then decided to try to get a bit more sleep before Madison woke up.  I was just about to fall back asleep when…


I jumped out of bed as my panicking husband stormed in the house.  I guess he asked Dwight to “start the van” for him this morning.  So Dwight “started the heater.”   In other words, he turned the car on just enough to completely drain the battery.  And now Scott is asking me if I’m going to need to go anywhere before he gets home tomorrow night? 

Ummmmm…let me think.  Kelly’s hand in the treadmill and Joshua’s week-long fever.  Yeah, I might need a means of transportation.  Let’s not tempt fate, right?  At least leave me with the car seats!

Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.  He thought that Scott simply wanted the van warmed up, so he saved some energy by not turning the car on all the way.  He turned the key for some power and then turned the heater on full blast.  He didn’t know any better.  But that didn’t ease the frustration as Scott scurried outside and unbuckled all the car seats in the Expedition before leaving me carless. 

At least he made his flight.  They even delayed it an hour so he was able to grab some breakfast.  Ahhhhhh…breath. 

I love the boy, but sometimes I just wish he would think before he spoke.  Like the other day when he told me he needs stuff for a “scrapbook project” for his Spanish class.  He waited until I left the house, and then called my cell while I was picking up dogs from the groomer’s.  I hate getting messages from Dwight.  They are usually long and at the end, you are left wondering just what exactly he needed.  Why couldn’t he have waited until I got home to tell me about this? 

I called him back and told him I couldn’t understand a word he said, so he explained again that he needed supplies for his project.  Then I asked the dreaded question.  “When is it due?” 


“WHAT?!?  DWIGHT!  NO!”  This has been happening way too much.  So naturally I’m freaking out and then I stopped myself.  “You know what?  This is not my emergency.  You need to plan better than this.  I’m NOT going to stop by the store to get you paper right now.”  (I had a sick hubby and son I needed to get home to!)

Apparently, he didn’t even realize what he said.  I guess he just got used to saying “tomorrow” because that is usually how he handles projects when he needs something from me!  The project isn’t due until next Monday.  Ahhhhhhhh.  Breath.

But tonight, I lost it with poor Dwight.  He just said something really stupid…which I might have been able to handle had his comment not been cold and ignorant on his part.  Patrick came downstairs after his shower wearing mismatched pajamas.  Do I care?  No.  He’s going to bed in a little bit.  So what, right? 

Well, Dwight decided he cared.  He took one look at him and said, “You look ridiculous.” 

So Patrick responded the way any normal younger brother would respond…”YOU look ridiculous!”  (Good comeback, right?)  Okay, it’s a little irritating that Dwight is picking on his little brother over something really dumb, but hey, big brothers (and sisters) do that, right?

But when he said, “Oh yeah?  Your mother cried when you were born!”  Now that was not cool.  He wasn’t talking about tears of joy.  He was talking about tears of shame, mourning.  Only he said it to his adopted brother.  He said it to the boy whose mom was too hooked on drugs to take care of him or his other siblings, resulting in his younger brother dying. 

So I asked Patrick to excuse us and I asked Dwight why he would say such an insensitive thing!  He stood there for a minute, as if he were really thinking hard and said, “I guess because I’m just stupid.” 

Wow.  You can bet that excuse didn’t fly with me…Mr. “I’m a genius – a childhood prodigy” is suddenly claiming to be stupid.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. 

The whole stupid bit didn’t fly with me.  I called Dwight out on it all.  I’m not going to let him make excuses when he says such hurtful words.  He needs to think about how his words impact those around him, and trust me, his mouth very rarely stays shut, so there’s a lot of stuff coming out of it. 

I really do love the boy, and I do think that if he’d sat there and thought about how his words may have impacted Patrick, he wouldn’t have said it, but he was trying to get one over on him.  So we talked about how our words effect others, how they can impact a person, stay with them the rest of their life.  Are those the words he wants Patrick to remember? 

“But Mom, I was just kidding!”  He said.  I told him that!

“Dwight.  If I’d said that to you, and then told you I was just kidding, would it have hurt any less? 


“Don’t divide our family with your words.  Control your tongue.”

Then I spent the next 10 minutes talking to Dwight about his self-esteem.  Because really, his is pretty low right now.  He obsesses over stuff like IQ tests and intelligence.  He’s carried this burden on his shoulder because he scored just under “Genius” on an IQ test, and he’s let that define who he is.  He’s also been upset about the fact that a Speech Therapist is working with him at school.  He doesn’t feel like he needs her help.  But everyone else agrees this is best for him.  He needs to work on communicating without rambling on.  He needs to figure out how to focus and to get to the point quickly.  Right now, he is unable to do that.  It was almost funny, in a twisted sort of way when Dwight told us last night that he doesn’t ramble…and he rambled on and on about how he doesn’t ramble.  I hate to admit it, but I laughed.  It was just kind of funny.

I’m still upset about what he said to his brother.  It just breaks my heart.  In many ways, Patrick and I are alike, so I can just feel how that would have hurt him to hear that his mother mourned when he was born.  It’s not something I would say to anyone.  Of course, I’m a bit older than Dwight, so I can look at it all from a different perspective…I just struggle with the fact that he doesn’t really stop and consider his words before he speaks them.  He really struggles with that, and honestly, I don’t know how to get him to think before he speaks. 

It scares me sometimes, to think that he has just over 3 more years before graduating.  What kind of man is he going to be in the end?  Will he be independent enough to function in the real world without Mom and Dad there?  Will he do okay in college?  He often resists the help we try to give him to help him succeed and overcome all of his challenges.  It’s like his pride gets in the way of admitting he might need a little help.  He sees it as a weakness. 

And that is one other point I’m trying to get through to him.  We all have challenges we have to overcome…and when we do, we learn just how strong we really are…and we learn how much we need to rely on God to overcome our challenges. 

So I guess you could say I’m having to rely on God quite a bit to deal with my challenge – Dwight.  Like last night, when I stressed three times to him the importance of calling me before leaving for track because if I couldn’t get the car started, he’d end up stuck at the highschool.  I even wrote him a note and left it on the table, which he took with him to school.  “Dwight.  Do NOT forget to call me about track.” 

2:45 I get a phone call from Dwight.  He was on the bus, heading for the highschool.  “Ummmmmm…Mom.  Were you able to come pick me up?” 

“What?  What are you talking about Dwight?  Where am I supposed to be picking you up from?”  I thought he needed me to be somewhere right then and there!

“At track.  I forgot to call you.” 

“Are you kidding me?  Where are you right now?”

“I’m on my way there.” 

“Dwight.  You’re lucky I was able to get the car started.  (A neighbor came over late this a.m. and jumped the car for me).  I’ll pick you up (at 5:00), but we ARE going to talk.  Bye.” 

About 3:30 he’s knocking at the front door.  He told his coach that he needed a ride home because he was too afraid to ask me to come pick him up early because I was mad at him.  I watched as his coach pulled out of the driveway thinking about how I must look like a total ass to his coach. 

And I admit I’m not the most patient Mom, but seriously, I didn’t mind picking him up (especially early!).  It was the fact that 2 nights ago I got onto him for the 100th time for being unorganized, not using his checklists, and not writing important “To Do’s” in his agenda.  Calling mom should have been a “To Do” during Study Hall.  But he didn’t bother to write it down, because really, he has no desire to change.  I simply said we were going to talk when I picked him up, because I’ve had it with his lack of organization and planning.  I’ve done literally everything I can to help him except to treat him like an idiot and say, “Sit down right now.  Pull out your agenda.  Write down these exact words…”

Yeah.  Challenges.  Dwight is mine right now.  And I really REALLY need God to help me through this one before I go completely balled!

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I don’t.  I joke about it, but really, I believe God is in control and He allows things to happen in our daily lives for a reason.  I believe we reap what we sow.  I guess my way of thinking is, Karma follows the rules of God without including God, and that’s why I don’t necessarily say I believe in it.  I think it is important to acknowledge God in it all.  But if I did believe in Karma, then I’d think that surely Karma is out to get me.  Things have just been somewhat ironic the last two days.  If Faith thinks someone is out to get her, then maybe she needs to look into Karma herself! Just kidding, Just kidding!

Yesterday I got a phone call from the school nurse at Joshua’s school.  He was complaining of a stomach ache.  Since Patrick stayed home the day before with similar symptoms, I decided it was probably best if I picked him up…even though school was about to be released in 30 minutes.  Maybe it was the suggestion that he may throw up.  No, I just couldn’t make him ride the bus if he felt that sick.

So I had Kelly run upstairs to get dressed (we’ve been sick and I figured yesterday would be a good PJ day).  I loaded the kids up in the car, and made the 10 minute drive to the school.  Of course, as I pull up, it starts raining.  Great.  At least it wasn’t cold. 

I pulled out the umbrella and struggled to grab my purse (Just in case they need to see an ID), Kelly, and Madison from the car.  I didn’t want the door of the Expedition to hit the car next to me so trying to balance the car door with my hip was fun too.  Maybe I should have used my bulging belly.   We made our way to the front door and I sat my umbrella down outside.  The school office was packed full of parents who regularly pick up their children.  Apparently, I made it in just as the students were being released from class. 

I waited for about 5 minutes and finally the nurse released Joshua to me.  We go outside, I open his umbrella and then mine.  By this time, the rain was coming down even harder.  I see Joshua’s bus sitting in the front of the line, waiting for the students to board.  I wondered if it was completely pointless for me to come all the way over here to pick him up.  I had Kelly and Joshua wait on the sidewalk while I loaded up Madison.  Despite my attempts to cover her with the umbrella, she was still getting wet.  “I’m sorry, Baby.”  I apologized.  She responded with, “It’s raining, it’s pouring.”  and then squealed as she reached out her hand to catch some rain.  You know what?  I had to join her.  I sang along and reached out my hand too.  This was just a moment of pure delight, and I was not going to miss out!

After buckling up singing Madison, I wanted to make sure and hold the heavy door still when the other two got in because the parking spaces were tight.  I first walked Kelly to the car, then I returned to get Joshua.  I now had 2 umbrellas in my hand.

“Okay, kids, get buckled up.  Joshua, please try to help Kelly get her seat belt on.”  As he was struggling to do this, I was busy trying to figure out how to close one umbrella without dropping another – or hitting it against a car.  I really didn’t want to get wet!

I finally managed to get them both closed and then hopped into the car.  I was soaked.

“Moooooooooooooooooom.  I can’t get Kelly’s seat belt on!”  Joshua whined.  Ugh!  Since I didn’t want to get even more wet, I climbed over the front seat, past the middle row and to the back where Kelly’s seat was.  I buckled her in and then climbed back to the front.  Keep in mind that I am pregnant.  I now have a belly to keep me wobbly, and I looked anything but graceful.  As I buckled myself in, I saw Joshua’s bus take off.  Wow.  In the time it took me to load up three kids, they were able to board an entire bus full of kids and leave. 

“I don’t have my seatbelt on yet!”   Joshua shouted. 

“Joshua, hurry up!” I muttered. I just wanted to get home!  No.  I wanted to beat that bus.  Even if it was by a few seconds, I wanted to be able to say I saved my son from an agonizing trip home.  I wanted my trip to be worth something!

I pulled out of the parking lot and managed to beat the last bus out of there.  We drove our way home and about a mile from our street, I see a school bus pull out of a nearby neighborhood and back onto the main road we were on.  I knew it was Joshua’s bus, and now, the bus was right in front of me.  It stopped in front of the neighborhood, and I waited as it flashed it’s red lights and let Joshua’s little friend off, right where I should have picked him up in the first place. 

Oh, and if you are wondering, Joshua was fine.  I think he just didn’t want to ride the bus home.  He never even had to make a trip to the bathroom.

Later that afternoon, I left to pick up Dwight from Track.  I sat in the parking lot and 2 minutes later, Kelly exclaimed, “He’s taking SOOOOOOOOO long!” 

“Excuse me?” I asked.  “Don’t you complain!  We haven’t even been here for 5 minutes!  You need to be patient!”  

40 minutes later.  Yes.  That’s right.  40 minutes later as we sat in the parking lot watching the rain come and go, he finally appeared.  Ha!  That’ll teach her me about patience!  When I asked him why he was so late, he informed me that they changed the practice times.  Apparently, he didn’t think it was necessary to inform me of this.  Apparently, he thought it wasn’t a big deal, that he couldn’t have prevented me from sitting in the parking lot with three kids recovering from colds, with a simple phone call!  He tried to tell me it was out of his control.  But he couldn’t tell me why ALL OF THE OTHER PARENTS happened to show up right on time to pick up their kids.  Why did they know about the time change?  Oh.  I guess those kids were able to get the word to their moms and dads.  And yes, Dwight has heard of the invention called the telephone.  I asked him about it yesterday.  He just didn’t think to use it!  I am the mom with the 14 year old kid who can’t seem to keep me informed about anything! 

So if Karma were out to get me…I would have thought that trying to beat a school bus home and getting onto my daughter for being impatient was enough.  But today I decided to try to bless my neighbor.  I called her up and asked her if she wanted me to pick up the little girl who rides the bus with Joshua and bring her home.  “Oh, that would be great!”  She said.  I figured since she had a little one at home, and since it was sprinkling, I’d save her a very wet trip.  Besides, I was already sitting there.  Of course, I get the girl to the front door and wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I pull up in my drive way, what does it do?  It POURS.  Come on God!  This is what I get for my act of kindness?!?   

I decided to sit in the car for a minute with the kids, but they became impatient, and the rain didn’t seem to want to let up.  I knew that it wasn’t going to slow down a bit, (at least until I was safe inside my warm home).  Soooooooo, I pulled out that giant umbrella of mine, and one by one, I got them out and escorted them to the front door. 

And now I’m sitting here.  My clothes are still damp, but at least I’m not getting rained on anymore.  And I had to laugh.  Getting beat home by the school bus, the 40 minute wait after a scolding on impatience, the drenching rain after an act of kindness.  No, it’s not Karma.  It’s a God who is wise enough to know that I needed some practice finding the little blessings in the gloom and rain.  The laughter at the irony of each event and the joy of hearing my daughter squeal and sing as she was getting wet…I guess you could say I’m learning from little Madison.  Like my 1 year old daughter, I need to find the joy hidden in each God given day I have.  And today, I’m reaching out my hand as I try to catch the sprinkles of His greatness.  I may get a little wet in the process, but if I hold my hand out long enough, I’m bound to hold a drop or two in the palm of my reaching hand

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Honestly, It’s been a rough few days.  And I’m going to vent, knowing my husband reads my blog, knowing this post will probably tick him off.  Honestly, if he comes out of this ticked off, but knowing me better, it’s worth it.  And it’s not that he’s not a wonderful husband.  I’m a very lucky girl.  I know that.  I just wish he got me some times.

Madison came down with Croup over the weekend.  By Saturday, she was just a monster.   A MONSTER.  Late Saturday morning, Kelly came downstairs with a fever.  I ended up calling off my outing with a friend.  Probably turned out for the best because I ended up feeling sick by late afternoon.  So did Scott.  That made four of us  – sick.

Ugh.  So the fun began.  Madison, between her screaming and yelling and demanding her mommy, and then the other kids…who also happened to start feeling bad (Dwight is the only one who has remained healthy so far), it has just been wearing me down.  And Scott.  He’s had to deal with crazy work stuff.  Really stressful stuff.  And this week, he’s sick too, but he has to go in.  There’s not a whole lot of choice.

So we’ve all been toughing it out.  He’s dealing with work, I’m dealing with trying to keep up with household duties and sick kids, and healthy active kids…

But tonight it just all got to me.  I really haven’t had a break and I’m trying so damn hard to be supportive of my husband’s crazy schedule.  Shoot, I even insisted he go to his boss’ stupid STUPID Superbowl party when I really wanted him to stay home and take care of me.  I broke dishes, cleaned up, cooked dinner, and took care of the sick kids while he was eating the SuperBowl food I was looking forward to (because food is one of the few things during pregnancy to look forward to since you are deprived of so many other pleasures in life – like sleep!)

Today was draining.  Even when I tried to take a nap, I ended up dealing with Kelly who refused to take a nap, (but apparently decided to try to knock down walls or reconstruct furniture or something crazy like that in her room), then the phone rang, then Patrick, who kept leaving his room when he was supposed to be in there reading (he stayed home sick).  I guess they thought when mom was laying down, it was their opportunity to see what they could get away with.  I eventually gave up on nap time but I was more upset about the fact that I never did get the energy to do the dishes, or the laundry.  I was planning on getting at least half-way caught up with the laundry today.

Tonight when it was time to head up for bed, it just all became overwhelming.  Bedtime checklist.  I need to check the locks, turn off the tv, turn on porch lights, turn off indoor lights, ignore the dishes, put Dwight’s meds in his bottle, fill up the vaporizor and humidifier, check on crying kelly, take my vitamins, try to brush my teeth, all while Madison is screaming for whatever the heck she’s screaming about, heck, forget about brushing my teeth, and I’ll just wear what I’m wearing now, I can’t take anymore of this!  Why the heck did she have to wake up anyway? Argh!  I feel like there is so much to remember and do each night just to “get ready for bed.”  I should have started getting ready an hour ago.

And then Scott sees I’m frustrated and I guess it pissed him off.  I don’t even remember what he asked me now, but it was just how he said it, like, “What is your problem?  Why are you so pissy?” 

My response? “Don’t talk to me.”  Because I did not need that.  I DID NOT NEED THAT.  And I did not want to say anything stupid.  I have 5 kids demanding something from me all day long, and half the night, please just understand I’m frustrated because I can’t even get the damn humidifier tank to open up so I can fill it up!  See, the goal was in sight.  Bed time.  I was ready to get in bed, but I still had this to do list in front of me.  All those little details that go unnoticed or undone if I don’t do it.  And then, I get to go to bed with a coughing baby who will no doubt wake me up every hour of the night.  But I’ll check on her and give her the drink she needs for her dry throat or return her pacifier when she’s lost it, whatever she needs, because she just doesn’t feel good.  And I’m her mom.  That’s what moms do.  They nurture and take care of others, even when they are exhausted. 

So I got more frustrated because when I tried to explain to him that I’m in a bad mood because I’m just tired and worn out and I’ve had the kids all day and it’s been rough, he made it about him.  He made a comment about how he’s just had it so easy.  When did I ever say that?  (Although, in all fairness, at least he can take DayQuil/NyQuil!)  Seriously though.  I just wanted him to hear what I was saying and understand.  I wanted a hug and some reassurance that it will get better soon.  Talk to any woman, and she’d get it.  I really REALLY needed a woman to talk to right then. 

Newsflash.  Scott is not a woman.  Not that it’s an excuse.  He could have remembered the overwhelming feeling he’s had before when I left him with all the kids and they wore him out.  Yes, I know this happens, because I come home all happy from my time off and he’s the one who’s pissy.  See?  I know this happens!  

So tonight, I just shut down.  Because I feel like when he doesn’t get me, or understand what is going on with me, he gets angry.  I wonder if it’s because he’s so good at fixing things.  If he sees a problem, he’s naturally good at figuring out a solution to the problem, and fast.  But not with me.  No, he’s got one complicated wife.  So when it comes to me, I guess I feel like he responds to me with impatience.  Maybe like his mom responded to him when he needed special attention or understanding.  No patience, no understanding.  She wasn’t a very loving mother towards him. 

So tonight, I was just too tired.  Too tired to explain anything.  Too emotionally drained to get into it with him.  Too exhausted to say, “I just need you to understand I’m tired and don’t feel good.  I’ve had the life sucked out of me today.  I am frustrated with life right now.  There is nothing left.”  No, I just did not have it in me to try to get him to understand.   

And honestly?  The truth is, when you add on the pregnancy and emotions that go with the pregnancy, and yeah, maybe he’s really got it hard.  I’ve been more emotional during this pregnancy, but I’m starting to feel this whole getting angry everytime I cry or am upset is a cop out.  (Honestly).  I’m starting to get bitter about it.  (Honestly). 

And even more Honestly, I feel very alone right now. 

In this pregnancy.

I feel alone. 

I can’t even type those words without crying.  I realized today that I don’t have any pregnant friends here.  In SC I got to go through my pregnancy with Suzy.  I had a friend who just had a baby a few months before me too.  I had a couple of women who were experiencing what I was, and another good friend who remembered very well what it was like for her, and celebrated my pregnancy with me.  Here, I have 2 girlfriends.  One who works the same hours as Scott and then goes home to get her kids to bed, and the other stays very busy during the day too.  We probably get together twice a month with these friends.  They are awesome people, but life and kids make it hard.  That, and we are just in different stages in our families.  I mean, we’re working on number 6, and they both are done at 2. 

Honestly, I’m also a bit jealous.  People around here have family close by too.  Family they get together with over weekends and holidays.  Neighbors who have parents nearby and brothers and sisters who fight over who gets to have Thanksgiving or Christmas at who’s house.  I don’t think I’ll ever know what that’s like. 

So feeling alone in this pregnancy, I kind of feel like, since this is the third time going through this, eh, just deal with it.  All these emotions and fears and everything else I’m dealing with?  I really should just get over it because I’ve been through it two other times, right?  I should know better and be better than that.  Screw hormones and what they do to a woman’s body.  Screw a mother’s love so deep that she fears for her child’s well-being before the child is even born.  Screw feeling out of control and not having one understanding ear open to those feelings.  Being pregnant is probably one of the most vulnerable periods I’ve ever been in.  I am so out of control. 

Yeah, I’m feeling sorry for myself, I know.  I should be thrilled that I get to have another baby.  I just hate going through this like this.  Somewhat scared and alone.  Not having someone who can relate to what I’m going through, to talk about cravings and disappointments about having to avoid certain foods or drinks.  I guess I just thought that since this was my last pregnancy, it was going to seem even more special.  I want it to be more special.  I will never get to do this again and that is kind of hard for me to come to terms with.  It would just be nice to have somebody go through this with me.   Really, why should the mom have to go through it alone?  Wouldn’t it be nice if the dad had to (or even willingly) gave up the same food and drinks the mom had to go through?  And hormones…Oh how I wish they could just experience the hormonal surges and emotions for 1 day.  And the physical changes.  You know, I’d definitely have to grab my camera for that one.  Honestly, That would just be awesome.

Honestly, my husband is a wonderful man and he does many things to spoil me.  Like Sunday night when he rubbed my feet.  I felt a little pampered then.  It’s just that I’m feeling very alone in this.  I feel like I need to be nurtured and cared for too, even on an emotional level, and I don’t have that here.  It takes a while to build relationships and friendships at a level where you can really open up to the other person.  My husband is the only person here (in Ohio) I feel like I can talk to about my most deep, intimate thoughts and concerns.  I guess I feel that the most important relationship here, the one between my husband and I, could use a little more nurturing and understanding.  I need to be nurtured and understood too.  I need to be able to feel safe enough to open up my heart and share my fears and concerns and disappointments, without feeling judged.  I’ve given up that need every time we’ve moved.  Every time I’ve had to say goodbye to friends and work on building new ones, just to leave again.  Honestly, that is a hard thing to do for someone like me.  I don’t make friends quickly.  I tend to choose my friends cautiously.  So for me, it takes time to build up that level of trust and intimacy. 

Honestly, I’m not there with anyone here.  Not yet.

Update: 9:15 a.m.  Scott sent me an email from work this morning, telling me he loved me and apologizing.  He’s always been good at apologizing.  Not me.  I think yesterday was just a rough day for both of us.  I’m glad yesterday is over.

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Extended Stay

My husband flew his brother out here on Christmas Eve.  The plan was for him to come in, hang out, and maybe do some work in order to earn some money, (he’s currently on disability and we figured it would be a good way to help him out and get some stuff done around here we don’t have the time to do) and then, the rest of the plan was for him to leave today. 

Well, his brother decided instead of money, he wanted us to just get a gaming system for him because he knew he’d never buy it for himself, but was comfortable enough asking us to get it as a form of payment.  We asked him in exchange to sand down and stain our formal dining room table and 8 chairs.  He agreed, we bought the gaming system, he flew in, and as planned, we hung out together, did some fun stuff, and then the guys hung out.

And they hung out, and they hung out, and they hung out.  I told my husband, “He isn’t going to get that table done in time if he doesn’t get started on it soon.”  My concern was more about how things were going to be handled since Scott had already given him the game system.

My husband said, “He’ll get it done.” 

My husband came to me the other day, the same day I found out my sister was diagnosed with an ectopic  pregnancy with a grim look on his face.  He wanted to talk alone in the room.  “What?” I asked, “He didn’t ask to move in did he?” 

“No, it’s not THAT bad.”  He said.  Probably a good thing the conversation went that way because I was so thankful he didn’t ask to move in with us that hearing that there was no way he was going to get the work done in time didn’t seem as bad (until later when I had time to think about it!).  Only problem was, how do we does he handle it?  His brother had already opened up the gaming system and used it and it was pretty much unreturnable (is that a word?)  We didn’t want it, but didn’t feel we should send it home with him (nor would he have taken it) when he hadn’t completed the work.  Talk about awkward.

I pretty much left it up to Scott.  I didn’t need the extra stress and with all my pregnancy hormones, the more involved I got, the more angry I felt.  Did I not say this was going to happen?  Yes, it was best to just leave it to Scott before I say something stupid.  Scott decided to leave it up to his brother, which kind of sucked because we both knew what he was going to do.

So today he was supposed to fly out, but he ended up extending his stay another week because he still hasn’t completed the job.   Arghhhhhh!

Needless to say,

I. am. frustrated. 

Why do you ask?

First of all, the man is LOUD.  I find myself getting angry at my husband because I feel like he should be reminding HIS BROTHER to quiet down when Addison and I are napping or sleeping at night (and how I’ve needed the sleep during this pregnancy!)  I’m sure he does once or twice, but it would take constant reminders.  To top that off, I just need some quiet time.  The only way I’m getting it is by escaping to my room.  I don’t want to have to escape to my room every time I need things to be quiet.  (And yes, I’m a sissy.  If it’s cold and snowing or raining, you can forget about me going out!)

Second,  I feel like I’m constantly competing for my husband’s attention.  I’m used to being number 1 in my husband’s life.  (Aside from God)  And it just isn’t that way right now.  Sure, I expected to have to share my husband some during his vacation, and I knew it would get old after the first week, but I knew I just had to make it until Saturday and then I’d at least have the rest of the weekend with my husband before life resumed to its normal busy schedule.  His vacation days are precious to me (and him), so sharing them like this, gets hard. 

It’s damn near impossible at times (many times) to get my husband’s attention when my brother-in-law is around.  Sometimes he seems way more engaged in what they are doing (or talking about) to notice that I’ve called him, oh I don’t know, like 50 times.  Or maybe it’s just that my brother in law is 10 times louder than me and I just can’t scream my husband’s name loud enough for him to hear me.  I really love it when I’m trying to be involved in the conversation, or ask a question, and I’m either interrupted by BIL or just simply not heard.  (Okay, and I get that there are times when Scott may not hear me, but this happens a LOT when BIL is around). 

Honestly, it’s put a bit of a strain on our relationship.  Why would I want to have sex at 12 o’clock in the a.m. after my husband just spent the evening with his brother playing video games or watching a crappy movie?  I’m one of those ladies who needs to be warmed up before sex and laying in bed by myself trying to sleep over the loud t.v. and/or my brother-in-law’s loudness just does nothing for me.  Hanging out with my husband and brother-in-law doesn’t do much for me either.  I kind of need the intimacy and bonding time with my husband.  Shoot, I’ve spent the last couple of nights wide awake in my room – alone – while Scott’s hanging out with his brother.  I get wanting to hang out, but this was supposed to be my time with my husband now and I’m not getting it.  And what about taking turns?  I want my turn!  

And can I say that I don’t always feel my brother-in-law is the best influence?  It always starts off okay, but after days and days, I notice Scott becomes less attentive, less patient, whatever.  Things he’d usually notice, he doesn’t. 

I asked my hubby to go to the mall with me today just so we could get out alone, (and  yes, I told him I wanted some time alone with him) but that didn’t work out either.  I kind of felt like he was willing, but reluctant to go, other things took priority, so I didn’t even bother to get ready.  Really?  I just wanted some time alone with him.  I desperately need time for us.  I know he doesn’t want to sit around watching me try on clothes, but I feel like the only way we can have a decent conversation right now is in the car alone.  I just wanted to get away with him.  I wanted him to say, “Okay, Honey, I’m making you/us my first priority today.”  Today and tomorrow are the last two days before our lives get crazy again with school and work and just life in general.  We didn’t even have to go to the mall, I just wanted to get away.

The stress of it all just makes me want to sleep – or cry.  I have lost all motivation to do anything.   Yes, I’m depressed.  This isn’t how I envisioned spending our entire “vacation.”  AND I’m pregnant.  I need/want/crave the extra attention.  This is my last pregnancy.  It kind of bothers me that this is it, you know?

I’m really trying to be graceful about this whole thing, but three weeks is a long time to share your hubby, or your house, and your life with another adult who lives a completely different life from you.  I know I’ll make it, I know my problems are nothing compared to what others are going through right now, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed his visit, but I really REALLY need life to get back to normal again.  I need my peace and quiet, I need my husband back, I need to not have to escape to the bedroom or feel alone at night.  I need my house to be mine again. 

I know this rant sounds entirely selfish of me, but

I guess what I’m saying is, I want him to go home!

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