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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Hilariosity

I got a few good laughs yesterday and just had to share. 

1.  I saw hubby whack his face into his car door.  It knocked his hat sideways and everything.  You know I had to open the door and yell, “I saw that!”  It was so cute.  Kind of reminded me of our so-called “first date” when he walked right into a pole at Applebees. 

2.  Scott and I went out to pick up some Chinese and rent some movies last night when Joshua called. 

“Mom, Dwight is being mean to me.  He’s yelling at me and he cussed at Patrick.”

“What did he say to Patrick?”  I asked.

Josua paused and then asked…”Ummmm, am I aloud to say it?” 

“Yes, Joshua, for the sake of telling me, you can say it this one time.”

“He said, ‘Shut the heck up.'”

“Let me talk to Patrick, okay, Joshua?”

Patrick gets on the phone and I ask, “What’s going on, Patrick?”

“Well, Dwight got ahold of the Sharpie and colored all over his face.  He was trying to draw a beard and moustache and now he can’t get it off.” 

(Control yourself, Melissa.  Don’t laugh yet). 

“Okaaaaaay, but Joshua is calling and saying Dwight is being mean.  Is that true?’

“Well, kinda.  He yelled at Joshua, but now he just went to his room and said he’s not going to clean anymore because he thinks he’s in trouble now.” 

(We told the boys to clean up and we’d play a game when we got home).

So we get home and Scott is asking Dwight what is going on.  They get to the end of their conversation and Scott asks me what I think.  “I just want to know why Dwight thought he was in trouble if he didn’t do anything wrong.”  I said. 

Dwight was at the sink doing dishes and Scott told him to answer my question.  And when he looked up at me and started talking, I didn’t hear a word he said.  I was to busy trying to contain myself.    But it was no use.  “Pfffffffffft!  ha ha ha haha ha!” 

I saw faded marker all over his chin and under his nose.  His skin was red from all the scrubbing he did while we were gone.  And then, do you know what he asks me just a few minutes later?

“Mom, which color do you think looks better on me?  Black or red?” 

I stopped and looked at his face.  “Ummmmmmmm…it’s really hard to say right now.  (Giggle) I guess I’ll go with the black!”

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Sweetness!

Sweetness is finding out that the book your VBAC instructor recommends for your class next week was already sent to you by a dear friend who cares.  (Thanks, Jen!)

Self-Discovery is finding out you really do have the power to resist punching your smart-ass teenager in the face.

Exhaustion is looking at your busy calendar and realizing you haven’t even put everything on it yet.

Intimacy is turning the t.v. off and talking to your spouse, without interruption, because all the kids are fast asleep.

Sneakiness is trying to hide your icecream cone from your 1 year old because you just don’t want to share…and succeeding until you bite into the cone, which triggers your little toddler to whip her little head around and instinctively say, “I want a bite!” before she even sees what you are eating.

Irony is thinking that your kids are good to go after having faced just about every flu, virus, and bug passed around this winter, and then watching as two of your kids wind up with fevers and ear/headaches a few hours later!  (Joshua reached 103.1 under his arm!)

Maturity is talking with your hubby about all the stupid stuff you did as a teenager and knowing you’d never do something like that again…

And then realizing you haven’t completely grown up because you just took a picture of your hubby’s butt crack with your smart-ass teenager’s cell phone and saved the picture as his wallpaper…

And you thought it was hilarious…

Hope is praying your son doesn’t do something stupid with the picture – something that could get him expelled 3 weeks before school lets out!

Sweetness – real sweetness – is sparing you all the picture I took! 

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About a week ago, I ended up on a spontaneous date with Jim Halpert.  Not the actor, John Krasinski, who plays Jim Halpert on The Office, but the character.  At least that’s how it was in my dreams.  It was actually kind of funny.  Funny enough to tell my husband that I dreamt about going on a date with another man!

In my dream we kind of knew each other, had the same friends.  I was walking outside at this big shopping/hang out place.  It was mostly outdoors, but nicer than a flea market.  There was lots to do there and he just happened to show up in the same spot I was standing.

“What are you doing here?”  I asked.

He was going to get some dinner, and asked me to join him.  So we walked on over to the outdoor Hibachi grill in the shopping area we were in.

We sat down as several Asian ladies came up from behind the box-shaped counter to take drink orders.  Diet coke for me!  One of the older Asian ladies brought me my drink a few minutes later, but she didn’t seem so nice.  Seems like she was half-way scolding me for something…maybe it had to do with my drink?  I really couldn’t tell because she really wasn’t making herself clear.  Hmmmmmmmm…what’s up with that?  I couldn’t figure out what her problem was, but I remember her making me feel a bit uncomfortable!  Not good for business!  Oh well.  Back to Jim.

I found it interesting that he went ahead and ordered for the two of us.  And as they cooked up our food, we enjoyed the beautiful weather outside and talked about life and friends.  When they brought us our food, I could not believe the amount on my plate.  They heaped on noodles and rice and meat.  He must have ordered the most expensive thing on the menu!  One for each of us!  I didn’t even put a dent in it.  Awesome!  Leftovers!  For a week!

As I was still nibbling here and there on my plate, Jim asked to be excused for a minute.  He walked off and I took a few more bites.  When he came back, he’d obviously changed, so I made a comment about the uniform he was wearing before spooning another fork-full of meat in my mouth.  He responded that he had a football game to get too.  

Football?  I looked at his uniform again as I chewed my food.  Oh. my. gosh.  I could have swore when I first saw him he was wearing a baseball uniform!  Thank God I had food in my mouth before I said anything and made a fool of myself!  THAT would have been embarrassing!  So yeaaaaaaah.  Football.  (I wonder why that sport got thrown into my dream?  Couldn’t have anything to do with watching Leatherheads, right?)

As we sat there, waiting for our food to get boxed up, I realized that, oh my gosh!  I’m pregnant!  I sat there as he talked away and tried to process how this happened.  Who in the world did I sleep with six months ago to get me pregnant?  I looked down at my belly.  For the life of me, I could not remember.  Then I realized how much I liked Jim.  So does that mean I’ve ruined our chances?  How will he feel about the fact that I’m pregnant…will he too want to know who it was I was with?  I didn’t even know, what was I going to say to that?  How was I going to tell him? 

And then…relief!  Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute.  I have FIVE OTHER CHILDREN!  AND???  Jim knows about them!  What’s one more kid?  Right?  Suddenly, I wasn’t too worried about how he’d feel about this pregnancy. 

And then I woke up.  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah…I think I’ll blame this one on the pregnancy hormones!

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Scott and I were sitting outside, mocking the weatherman as we enjoyed the beautiful weather yesterday afternoon when we started talking about baby names.  Of course, my husband can never get serious about this topic without first coming up with some real crazy names.  He started looking at the labels around us and blurted out the craziness.  Like Sedona (after our minivan – a Kia Sedona)  Trust me.  The names got pretty bad!

Somehow, the crazy names led us to another topic.  It was a moment that still makes us laugh.  We were living in SC and talking about having another baby.  We decided to tell the other kids about it and Dwight clearly did not approve. 

“How many kids do you want to have?!?”  He asked (quite mortified).  Apparently he thought we have enough and he let us know it.  Then he asked, “Isn’t there a law against that?”

A law against what?

“A law against having so many children!”

Do you see why I don’t want him ruling ANY country?  He would enforce laws against having lots of children!  (Even if you adopt them!) 

Really though, we were dying of laughter.  What country does he think we live in, anyway?

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I can’t believe it’s already here.  As of Monday (two days ago), I am officially in the third trimester.  When I figure out the weeks, I literally lose my breath for a second.  Especially when I factor in that I went into labor a week early with Madison.  If I did the same thing, that would mean that I have less than 12 weeks left! 

Kelly went to school on Monday and told her teacher she got to feel the baby kick.  I’m glad her teacher shared that with me because Kelly didn’t really seem to respond when it happened.  She acted like it was no big deal and I wasn’t sure if she was really even feeling it because she was talking the entire time.  Of course, I could have done without knowing that Kelly asked her teacher if she had a baby in her tummy too.  (Her teacher doesn’t even look pregnant in my opinion).  But my kids have been known to say some embarrassing things.

Like last night when we went out to eat with our friends at this local family pub place.  Joshua and all the other kids were happily coloring their styrafoam cups when he exclaimed, “Look, everyone!  I drew a weiner!”  And on his cup?  Yes, it was a weiner.  And we are not talking about an Oscar Meyer Weiner.  Needless to say, I called him over to me and let him know it was not an appropriate drawing and told him to change his “weiner” into a rocket ship or something else.  (At least those art classes I enrolled him in are paying off, right?)  Really it was funny…and I get little boys can be obsessed with their…ummmmmm…hotdogs.  But I couldn’t let him think p@rn on a cup was okay!

Oh, before I forget, this morning little Madison saw my belly sticking out from under my shirt and told me she wanted to give the baby a bottle.  She told me the baby wants a bottle and she thinks that putting the nipple into my belly button feeds the baby.  This logic is coming from my 18 month old, mind you!   Kind of scary!  (And yes, peoples, I know that you can’t feed the baby through the belly button, but it really is scary that she would think there was a way to get food to the baby through the belly button!)

Oh, and the things Dwight comes up with!  He informed us Monday night that Adam was 99 years old before he and Eve  ever had sex.  I LOVE it when he comes up with stuff like this.  He reads the Bible on his own every day and comes up with some really amusing stuff.   Of course we have to challenge it, but I love that he is trying to think for himself.  So we tell him to show us, PROVE it to us.  He opens up Genesis and searches and searches…then finds a scripture telling of how Adam “knew” Eve at one hundred and something years old and they bore a son.  He then confessed he must have got the age wrong, he was over 100 years old!  (I guess the 40-Year-Old Virgin had nothing on him!)

Wow, what a long time to wait, right?  It actually was an interesting conversation, and we helped Dwight explore other possibilities.  Like the possibility that the Bible didn’t record every sexual act (or even the first one between Adam and Eve) in its books.  The point being made was that Adam and Eve had a son, not that they just had sex!  (Did I mention the guy will be 15 this month?)

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When Life Hands You Poop…

Tuesday night we were gathering around the dinner table when Dwight began to tease Patrick about an old habit of his.  Scott is great at shutting the kids down when they try to humiliate another sibling like this, so he picked a similar habit Dwight had when he was younger to remind him about. 

“Dwight, do you really think you should be talking about Patrick when you used to pick dog poo up with your bare hands?”

“What?!?” 

“What, you don’t remember that?”  Scott asked.

“No!”  Dwight blushed.

But he did do it.  He was probably about 7 or 8, and he decided that instead of using the little shovel to scoop the poop, he would just use his hands.  It took us getting onto him several times before he broke the habit.  He just didn’t understand what was so disgusting about it.

So last night Scott and I headed upstairs to our room, when he noticed something on the floor.  We didn’t turn the light on since we were heading to the bathroom connected to our room and down the hall, so needless to say, when he discovered what he’d scooped, he was disgusted. 

“Oh NOOOOOOO!  I just picked up poop!” 

Imagine how hard it was for me to control myself as he carried on and on about the poo that he was now holding in his bare hand.  I watched as he continued, disgusted, on his way down the hall to the bathroom so he could flush the terd in the toilet.  Apparently, Dwight forgot to let the dogs out before going to bed, and Fox, I’m sure, decided to remind us that we need to stay on him about this or else! 

And you know, hard as I tried, I couldn’t resist.  I followed him to the toilet and as he watched the swirling water wisk the poo away, I giggled and said, “Well…now we know where Dwight gets it from!”

Oh, and I was “in the mood” before his hands were all over that thing…but the thought of him touching me after holding poo just didn’t do it for me…go figure.

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🙂  Enjoy.

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