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Archive for the ‘Moving’ Category

I’ve been struggling the last few weeks.  I guess the reality of the move has settled in finally!  I do this.  I go through the emotions of saying goodbye to friends I had and having to start over again.  I feel lonely, I whine and complain, and cry.  I struggle to keep a good attitude, even though I am blessed beyond comprehension.

So the last week or so it has hit hard.  I told my husband that I feel drained dry.  I feel like I have to put so much effort and energy into developing relationships and then once I finally start to get them established, I have to say goodbye.  I often feel like I am the one who has to reach out over and over again, and I’m just tired of it.  “For once,” I told him, “I just want someone to reach out to me.”

And I think part of that feeling has hit me so hard because my husband has so many connections and he does have people reaching out to him.  I have another friend who moved here recently and I’m seeing her thriving and going out with the girls…and when you are in a situation like mine, you can’t help but wonder so many things, like why the invites aren’t coming your way.

So I finally just let it out during some prayer time this last week.  I let God know how I feel – lonely, rejected, sad, tired, weak, neglected.  I whined about the sacrifices I’ve made.  I complained about following my husband around with every move and not feeling like I’m getting much out of it.  “I give and give and give,” I whined.  “And I get nothing in return!”  (Not exactly true, I know!)

And I’m certain God was listening patiently.  He let me have my rant.  And then when I was done, this stupid, stupid, STUUUUUUUUUPID song started playing in my head:

Come on, get your, get your head in the game
We gotta get our, get our, get our, get our head in the game
You gotta get your, get your head in the game
We gotta get our, get our, get our, get our head in the game

Stupid High School Musical. I’ve watched that movie once…ONE TIME. How in the world is it that this song started up in my head?

Then I felt God speak to my heart.  He told me that I need to remember what this is all about. While I am looking at all these moves as supporting my husband, following him around so he can get promoted, etc., I’ve forgotten that God’s hand is entirely in every single move and promotion and relationship I develop.  I’m not following my husband around, I’m going where God has told us to go, each and every time.  Every time He opens the door for us to move, He has a purpose to it, and His purpose has an eternal result in mind.

The sacrifices I’m making should not be for my husband, children, or even myself, but for God.  The promotions and blessings we receive through all these moves and actions we take are blessings from God, not the reason why we move.  Where much is given, much is required.  And the truth is, God has called me to live a life that I would never have picked for myself.  I lived the first 20 years of my life in one small military town.  I always assumed I’d grow up, get married, and live in one place forever.   My personality is not one geared for this kind of lifestyle, but how often does God call those who are prepared and strong to walk in the things He calls us to walk in?  He often chooses the weak, the inadequate, sometimes even the unwilling to go and do His work, so that His glory can be shown through it.

The things I miss, the loneliness I feel, is temporary.  I have an eternity of fellowship waiting for me at the end of this road.

So, once again convicted and thankful for God’s love and patience, I’m back in the game.  It’s not to say I still won’t hurt or be sad as I face the loneliness – I am after all, human!  But God is in control and if I rely on Him and wait patiently, I know He will bring the kind of friends my heart desires.  Women who will reach out to me in return.  Those I can rely on in a time of need.

In fact, it’s already starting to happen.  It was kind of funny.  Just after having that conversation with my husband, and God, I texted a newly met friend to let her know I wasn’t going to make the women’s Bible study we both joined because Madison was sick.  She texted me back, “I’m sorry to hear that.  Missed ya, do you need anything that I could pick up for you?”

I was touched.  Her thoughtfulness and willingness to do that for me meant more than she will know.  And I’m sure God was smiling on me as I read her message.  Sometimes I forget He really hears my prayers, and then I’m amazed at how quickly He responds, especially when I get my head in the game!

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Scott headed out for Arkansas earlier this week, and one thing I’m sure of, I am SO thankful for that man.  I honestly do not know how single moms do it! 

Tuesday night I was dealing with Dwight and boy, does he know how to push my buttons sometimes!  We’ve had to keep the house in tip-top shape because we could have showings at any time, so when he let the dogs out and didn’t take his shoes off before tracking mud onto the kitchen floor, I was ticked.  Mostly because I’d just asked him twice if he’d made sure he didn’t let the dogs track mud in the house, and he even went back and checked and told me everything looked good. 

So needless to say, when I went back and found the floor soiled, not just with dog paw prints, but his big fat tennis shoe prints, I was pissed.   And of course, Dwight being Dwight, what does he do?  He starts smiling. 

“Dwight, it’s not funny!  Why are you laughing!  Stop laughing!  This is so irritating for me to have to go over this with YOU, the SIXTEEN YEAR OLD!  This floor needs to be cleaned now!  Why are you still smiling?”

And since he kept smiling, I gave up and sent him to bed.  He tried to stop and explain, but I was in no mood.  “Just go, Dwight.”  I ordered as I cleaned the mess up myself.  That boy, we are just so different, I don’t get him sometimes!

So the next morning, when I saw the sticky note on the table (a sight that always fills me with dread because you never know what the boy is going to write), I prepared myself for his explanation. 

But oh.  Let me tell you…the entire note was of no importance, because what I read in the first sentence was enough…

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry for laughing at you… 

At me?  AT me?  Oh no…he was laughing at me?

Nice.  Apparently I was the funny one. 

Not that the little mud on the floor event ruined my week, but I did find it amusing.  My teenage son thinks I’m funny, only not when I’m trying to be.  No, it has to be at the most inappropriate times that I am funny!

Tonight however, was a bit rough.  I thought we were doing good.  Kids were in bed, America was asleep too, and just as I was about to put her in her swing (because right now we have no crib to put her in and the swing keeps her buckled in safe and sound and asleep!), Joshua comes out of his room crying. 

“Moooom,”  He called as America started to stir.

“Whaaaaat???”  I whined.

“I threw up.”  He squeaked.

I sighed.  “Where?”  I asked.

“On the bed.” 

America was awake by this point, and I headed up to the room.  Sure enough, dinner was sitting in a neat little red pile where Joshua was supposed to be sleeping. 

“Joshua, why didn’t you go to the bathroom?” 

“Because I didn’t know I had to throw up.”  He cried.  “I woke up coughing and it just happened.” 

I sighed (and groaned, and moaned, and whined), again and took America to the boys’ room.  I told Dwight and Patrick to watch her since they were awake anyway, and then went back to pick up Madison and moved her to my bed so she didn’t roll into the…ummmm…half-way digested dinner.

I went back and removed the sheet, took it down stairs, rinsed off dinner down the drain, then threw the sheet in the wash.  Back up the stairs I went as I rummaged through the closet to find a new sheet.  I walked into the room to throw the clean sheet on and as I went to Joshua’s side of the bed to straighten out the sheet, I was surprised by another lovely pile of salmon patties and watermelon nestled in another pile on the floor.

“Joshua!  Why didn’t you tell me you threw up on the floor too?”  I whined as I headed for the closet hiding the steam cleaner.  

“Crap!”  I shouted (And I wonder where my two year old got that one from today)!  I never emptied out the steam cleaner from the last time I used it.  It was mostly the detergent and water, but it still looked gross and I wanted hot water for this mess.  So I went to the kids’ bathroom to pour it out and when I lifted up the toilet seat…eeeeewwwwe! 

“Dwiiiiiiiiiight!”  I shouted.

He came running and I gave him the speech he’s heard a thousand times.

It’s his job to clean the bathroom.  The toilet is disgusting and looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in months.  Clean it, NOW.  Hey, if I was going to be up cleaning puke anyway, he could do his chore! 

I got the steam cleaner put back together, with hot water and detergent and got to work.  I start spraying the solution onto the carpet as I ran over the salmon/melon mixture and waited for the machine to start sucking up the yuckness.  Only there was no sucking, just a soggier puddle of solution and puke.  Great.

The stupid thing was spraying the water great, but for some reason, it didn’t want to suck anything up.  I tried switching the setting from “hand tool” to “floor cleaner” several times, but it did nothing.  Finally, I, cussing up a storm at this point, grabbed the hand tool and started scrubbing away with it.  I could hear the baby crying on and off in the background, and Madison, with all my cussing and carrying on, came walking in.  I told her to stay out of the way, so Dwight, who finished cleaning out the toilet bowl, picks her up and follows me, “Mom, do you want me to put her on the couch?” 

“Oh sure, Dwight, like she’s going to stay downstairs by herself!” 

“Do you want me to put her on your bed?” 

“No, Dwight!  She’s not going to stay there by herself either.”

“Where do you want me to put her?”

Seriously?  She was perfectly fine where she was.  Why did he think he had to put her anywhere? 

“Dwight, just go to bed!”  I finally ordered.  Frustrated, I stopped the cleaner, took it back apart, and found a filter that was somewhat clogged up.  I cleaned it off, and sure enough, that did the trick.

“Thank you, God!”  I prayed.  Because surely I couldn’t have handled trying to clean up that mess with the hand tool much longer!

I spent another 20 minutes fretting and cleaning the redness out of the carpet that will be cleared of any furniture by Thursday of next week.  This was just what I needed, you know, red puke to stain the carpets right before we move out!  I think I got most of it out, but it was a chore. 

It’s just funny, how ironic things can be.  Like earlier today when I was thinking about how I can not handle my kids getting really sick right now – not in the midst of a move, and how God must know that because they seem to be doing okay even though they’ve been exposed to some nasty stuff over the last couple of weeks.  And then later when I thought about the sick sense of humor God has at times. 

I think God was just using His sick sense of humor to make a point (or two) – I apparently can handle the kids getting sick right now, even with my husband away!   Yeah, I had to laugh.  I have a sick sense of humor too, and when God shows his funny side, well, I just can’t help but laugh AT Him. 

Wait a minute…Me?  Laughing at God and His ways of pointing out my mistakes and misconceptions?  It’s funny how different my perceptions can be from the truth!

So that’s what it’s like to laugh at the parent who is trying to make a point.  There is something funny when we realize our misconceptions couldn’t be further from the truth.  Like Dwight saw a “clean floor,” I saw a circumstance I thought I could NOT handle.  The truth is, I’ve made it through much harder situations than this!   I was a bit surprised that I was being proven wrong, and I’m sure Dwight, was a bit surprised to see the mud on the floor after he checked.  How else does a person respond to a surprise, but to laugh?

I may not always get his sense of humor, but I’m starting to realize, maybe Dwight and I aren’t so different after all.  But the difference between God and me, is that I’m pretty sure He doesn’t mind that I am laughing at His ways of getting my attention or pointing out the mess I’ve made in my own little head.  I guess as the parent, I need to learn to laugh along with my son, because I swear I could almost hear God laughing with (but of course, not at!) me as I realized in my own way, I was acting just like my teenage son!

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and low.  This move feels like too much on some days. 

Scott just got off the phone with me.  He’s in Fayetteville right now and found a note in the door of our new house from the water company.  They are refusing to turn on the water until numbers are screwed into the stone on our house.  I guess the previous owners re-bricked the house and never put the house number on the house, so my exhausted husband is running  BACK to The Home Depot he just came from to buy some numbers.  I’m guessing he’ll probably have to buy a drill and some screws too since his tools are here in OHIO. 

It all makes me so angry and I just feel that is going a little overboard considering how difficult they were about getting the water turned on in the first place.   We’ve moved places where all you have to do is make a phone call, but not here.  No, you have to drill numbers into your house before they will turn the water on!  What really pisses me off is that if Scott weren’t there this week, we would have shown up with all 6 of our kids, 2 dogs, and NO water.  I just think that is WRONG.

DO YOU HEAR ME CITY OF FAYETTEVILLE?  WRONG!

Yes, I’m ranting.  Scott & I just don’t need any more stress at this point.  Moving is tough and with the stress and strain of it all, we’ve found ourselves arguing more.  I know it’s normal, but it just makes it all that much more exhausting.

I’m excited about getting there, because this whole moving process has been dragging on for months.  I’m tired of showing our house (or should I say, cleaning up after 6 kids in a mad rush to show the house?), and tired of not feeling settled, and I just want to get the impending tearful goodbye done and overwith so I can have a good cry and move on. 

And I’m trying so hard not to freak out about the future.  Life as we know it is about to change forever with this move. 

Donavan will be graduating highschool during our time in Fayetteville for one.  I can’t believe I’m about to have a kid who will be a legal adult in 2 years.  He wants so badly to join the Army, and even though Scott and I think it is the wrong move for him, we’ve agreed to support him and found a military summer camp to send him to right after we get moved in.  It will be 2 weeks long, and a “realistic basic training” course. 

Donavan will either come back more fired up than ever about going into the military, or he’ll decide once and for all that he hates it.  Only time will tell!

I am still fighting off anxiety attacks about this whole small town thing.  Just the idea that everybody knows everybody and so much about everybody makes me a little nervous.  (And all that much more pissed off that the loser water guy wouldn’t turn on the water.  Dude, can I send you a bill for the drill and screws?) 

With this move is the knowledge of us moving further away from Tina and her husband and kids.  I am taking it harder than I thought.  I hope that we can work out some good visits, but I know how quickly summer flies by and with work and school, it’s going to be tough! 

And the fact that Scott and I just met the coolest couple with whom we’ve connected so quickly.  ARGH!  Why do I always make the best friends right before moving?  So unfair!

I am really, really, really hating this moving every 2 years thing…I feel like my life gets put on hold, and then I have to restart it all over again with new friends, new places, new everything, and by the time it all gets familiar, we leave.  I’ve had a few tearful nights where I’ve confessed my loneliness to my husband, because it really is a lonely life for someone like me who takes a while to really make good friends.  I can open up so much at first, but to really connect with someone, it just takes me a while…or when it’s one of those kindred spirit type things, it’s right before we leave. 

Okay, I’m done complaining now.  (Or as I tell Scott, “venting!”)  Emotions will probably continue to go up and down as we leave and arrive.  I’m trying to stay positive and there is certainly a lot to look forward to, I just had to, you know, vent.

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Taking a Break

So the impending move is on.  We have 5 1/2 weeks left in Ohio and needless to say, I have been running around like a crazy woman trying to get our house “show-ready” and up for sale, as well as doing all the other crazy things required when moving to another state.  But it’s happening, we will be heading to Fayetteville, Arkansas the day the kids get out of school.

I got to go house hunting with Scott last month and we found a house in a very nice neighborhood.  It was such a hard decision because there are soooo many nice homes on the market!  In fact, we kind of went back and forth between two homes and visited both houses 3 times each.  It was good because every time we’d go to what we call our “second choice” home, we really liked it.  It had an extra bedroom we knew we’d be able to use with all these freaking kids!  And the yard was so nice and the neighborhood was small and there were lots of kids. 

But then every time we’d go back to the home we ended up making an offer on, we just knew that it was IT.  I don’t know how to explain it, but even with all the work we are going to have to put into it (a contractor estimated about $25,000 worth if we have him to do the work), we just knew that this house was the one we wanted.  It was hard to not get emotionally attached to the house and we went back and forth with the sellers – making an offer, them countering, and back and forth until finally we said, “Okay, this is our FINAL offer.  Take it or leave it.” 

And we didn’t find out their answer until we landed back in Cincinnati, that they accepted.  Yay! 

So then we (Scott, Madison, America, and I) got home to a very clean house thank you to our babysitter!  She and the kids worked on it to surprise us.  She is such a blessing to us and boy am I going to miss her.  Too bad I can’t convince her to come to Arkansas with us! 

So the next day we got busy on the house and we worked for about 10 days straight.  By the time we took a day off (which I still found myself cleaning here and there), I was pretty much an emotional basket case.  I needed a break so bad! 

But we got the work done, even though I didn’t run for 2 weeks because we were working on the house and there was just no way I could work out and work on the house too.  Oh yeah, guess I didn’t mention, Scott and I are training to run a marathon.  My STUPID idea.  I mention it and he gets online within an hour of me bringing it up and orders us running shoes!  There’s no backing out now, right? 

Really, I’m glad we are doing this.  I need to do something for myself!  But it does get stressful at times trying to figure out when I’m going to run with all these kids! 

I’m looking forward to getting back to blogging on a regular basis.  I probably won’t be consistent until a couple months after the move, but I do plan on getting back on here and sharing my life lessons and hilarious interactions with my kids! 

In the meantime, I am going to try to keep it together as our moving day approaches.  The kids are stressed too, and it’s definitely showing in Kelly, who turned six last week!  SIX!  I am hoping once we get settled that she will be able to calm down a bit!

As for myself, I am starting to get a bit nervous about moving to such a small town.  It just seems that everybody knows just about everything about everybody.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone has been nothing but friendly, but I do tend to be a private person and I just don’t know how I feel about everybody knowing so much about us.  Kind of sounds funny when I’m blogging about my life doesn’t it?  But to me, blogging still feels somewhat anonymous.  I guess the idea of people possibly finding out something I wouldn’t want them to know makes me feel vulnerable.  Not that I have any deep, dark, terrible secrets, it’s just I know I’m not perfect and I hope that I can not get caught up in trying to put on that mask of perfection in front of these people.  It could be easy to get caught up in trying to pretend everything is cool even when it isn’t, just for the sake of not being talked about.  But that’s not me and I want to be real…even if that means people decide they don’t necessarily like me so much! 

But you bet I’ll still be putting on my makeup before leaving the house when we live there!  It’s that small of a town…oh, who am I kidding?  I’ll still be too lazy to do that at times!  Ha ha!

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I always wondered why families did it.  Why do moms take their sick kids out when they should be at home recovering?  Shouldn’t they let them recover in the comfort of their own home? 

Well, now I know.  Two months of near-constant sickness and now I get why sometimes you just have to push through it.  I have been miserable.  I was at the point where I was depressed and crying every. single. day.  The long cold winter days, ridiculous snow storms in March, and gloomy skies have not helped.  Oh, and the hormones. Hormones don’t help.

I got to the point where I pretty much stopped posting my blogs publicly.  I have several private and “Draft” posts, but they were just too emotional negative to post.  Not to mention, I was constantly crying to my husband.  “I NEED something more,” I told him.  I needed to feel like something more than a puke-cleaning, diarreah diaper-changing, snot-wiping, laundry-folding, cooking housewife.  I just felt lost in the midst of it all.  All the while, my husband was getting praises left and right for all the wonderful things he was doing for the company.  Eventually, I even got jealous.  I needed to hear that what I was doing was important.  Instead, I heard my kids complaining about how I’d failed them (or their expectations at least!) in some way or another.   

So a couple weekends ago I had my emotional breakdown.  I knew I was depressed.  I knew I was tired of the way things were going.  I knew that I left my comfortable life in SC for what?  This?  Everything I’d built, the friendships, the ministries, the home we had, I left for miserable coldness and sickness and loneliness.  Sure we found a great church here, but their ministry needs are not the same as the ones the last church had – the needs I felt capable of contributing towards.  And the ministry Scott and I have been called to do since the day God brought us together, well, that was put on hold too, because we were told we’d probably be moving again.  I remember telling my mom that I didn’t even want to tell my doctor about my depression because I was not going to take any meds during my pregnancy!  She assured me that my doctor wouldn’t put me on meds during my pregnancy.

My husband, however, was wonderful enough that weekend I broke down to skip his monthly poker night with the guys to take me out and spend time with me.  I SO needed that.  Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been having to step aside for everything else going on in our lives.  There’s always something more important.  And that week was the worst because I knew that the weekend was filled with plans and even the weeknights when I tried to plan at-home date nights where the kids went to bed early, my plans were crushed each night with the reality that we’d already made plans for each week night too!  I felt defeated, and I needed for us to invest more time in our marriage!

So Scott skipped poker night and took me shopping for a dress for the next night’s event – Founder’s Day.  Keep in mind I’m needing Maternity clothes by now, so trying to find a “dressy” maternity dress anywhere in the mall was quite the challenge.  But we did it!  And then he took me out to dinner.  Of course, Madison was with us the entire time, since we didn’t have a babysitter! 

The rest of the weekend went mostly well with Founder’s Day Saturday night and then Sunday, actually hiring a babysitter (for the first time since we’ve moved to Ohio) and going on an afternoon date with Scott.  We went to the movies and watched 10,000 B.C. and then headed to Wal-Mart where suddenly Scott was getting on my nerves more than ever!  It didn’t take much longer before I insisted we leave and we headed straight for the Urgent Care Clinic 30 minutes before they closed.  That’s right.  He dropped me off and went home to pay the babysitter and let her go home while I waited to be seen for my painful Urinary Tract Infection.  No wonder why I was making so many trips to the bathroom during the movie!  No wonder why I wanted to ring my husband’s neck for no apparent reason!  Good thing I went because by the time I went in to give them my sample I was bleeding!  Ouch.

Anyway, I figured the way we’ve been getting sick every single week that this must be this week’s thing, right?   It was my turn to feel sick.  Wrong.  Monday night, Madison woke up puking.  I ended up “sleeping” with her in the guest bed in her room that night because she was up puking from about 10:30 until 2 – 3:30 ish.  Have you ever tried to get an 18 month old to puke in a trash can?  Impossible.  So with piles of blankets, towels and sheets on the floor, we finally slept after about 3:30 a.m.  The next day she seemed clingy but mostly better, but that night, she puked one more time.  Weak stomach, right?

I figured she might have just had a rough night, and we proceeded with the week getting ready to go on a trip.  Because when I had my emotional breakdown Scott suggested we actually get away for Spring Break.  At first I told him I didn’t even want to think about it, but after thinking about it overnight, I thought it might be the best thing for us.  Afterall, this will probably be the last trip we take for a while since this baby is going to be born in the summer!

So, I spent the rest of the week getting ready.  I did loads and loads of laundry every day so that I could be completely caught up and then began packing our bags Thursday.  My goal was to get it all done before my sister-in-law, Tina, got here, because she and her husband and kids were able to come down for the weekend.  We hadn’t seen them in 10 months!  So needless to say, we were all excited about that and I didn’t want to spend any time packing when I could be hanging out with family.  So Thursday, I stuck my last load in the washer, got it clean and ready to dry, when what happens?  The dryer stopped working.  ARGH!  But hey, at least I got nearly every piece of laundry in the house washed, right? 

Thursday night Tina and the gang get here and I am up in their room talking when I get some great news.  Joshua just puked all over his bed and floor.  Ohhhh noooooooooo!  I was just sure that Madison had a sensitive stomach.  But no.  Joshua was up most of the night puking his poor little guts out.  So I stayed up with him until about 3:30 before he stopped.  Oh, and the laundry?  I had some dirty laundry now!

So the next day, he’s still not feeling 100% but at least he only puked a couple more times.  (Thankfully while Tina and I were shopping for Easter candy! heh heh)  I was tired, but I soooooooooo enjoyed hanging out with Tina and seeing the kids again.  Things weren’t going as planned (we’d originally planned on taking them out to a couple fun places), but at least we got to see them!  And Tina was a good sport about the whole thing.  She said she would have come no matter what our kids had.  I just hope that she didn’t end up regretting that decision this week!

So, anyway, we were hanging out that evening in the living room thinking about how Joshua was actually going to get some sleep that night, when Kelly woke up, “Moooom, I don’t feel good.”  Well, she was being so dramatic, we really thought she just wanted to stay up.  But sure enough, she ended up puking too.  By 2:30 the next morning, I woke Scott up.  “Can you please get up with her just this once?  I just can’t do this anymore.  I need one break!”  I’d been around so much puke that I was afraid I was going to puke if I had to smell it, hear it, or clean it one more time.  So Scott got up with her and was awesome enough to stay up until 6:30, comforting his little girl as she puked her guts out.  See?  I told you he is awesome!

By Sunday, the kids seemed to be mostly better.  Tina threw together an egg-dying table while Uncle James hid plastic Easter Eggs out front.  I remember thinking about how my kids would have had to have waited if it hadn’t been for her because I was just so tired!  I don’t know how she does it.  She’s like the Energizer Bunny!  So the kids did their Easter Egg hunt and then it was time for them to head home. 

I knew my kids weren’t 100% and probably could have benefited from recovering completely in the comfort of their own home, but I also knew that if we didn’t go on our planned trip, we’d probably regret it.  They were still feeling a little weak, but we decided, even though we were tired, that we were going to head out later that night.  So…that’s what we did.  It was time to just push through and not let all the sickness we’ve been plagued with the last couple months defeat us.  And let me tell you, we weren’t sure if we made the right decision or not!

 To be continued…

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I was driving Dwight to a “Back To School Bash” this evening.  The entire day last two days seem to be throwing frustrating situations in our direction.  I guess by the time I started heading in the right direction for Dwight’s bash, I lost it. 

 “Mom.”  Kelly called from the back of the Expedition.

“Mom!”  She yelled louder

Again.  “Mom!?!”

But I couldn’t answer.

Finally after repeated attempts to get me to respond, I tried to open my mouth several times and say, “What?” but I couldn’t talk.  Nothing came out of my mouth.  Tears spilled from my eyes instead.  And I cried nearly the entire way to Dwight’s school.  Poor guy didn’t know what to do with me.  I told him I was okay, I was just feeling overwhelmed.  I left out the lonely and confused and exhausted part.  Sometimes I just feel that everybody wants a piece of me and I give and give and give and today my well has run dry.  Funny how quickly something like that happens.  All it took was for my little girl to call my name and I fell apart, which is so SO stupid because life isn’t all that bad.  I haven’t had a single tragedy strike, yet I’m weeping like a fool. 

 I can’t even get through this post without crying, which is funny because over the years I found that I numbed my emotions.  I just stopped crying.  I just held it in and wouldn’t allow myself to cry.  In the last year, God has been working on me in this area in my life.  I’m starting to feel like it is okay to cry and that sometimes, I need to cry.  I know there is a balance and I can’t cry over every little thing that makes me feel sad, but there was a time when I just stopped “feeling.”  I didn’t use to be that way, but after I got married, and I don’t know why, I just began to slowly numb my emotions.

When I could cry, I was a teenager.  When I was feeling this way, I would get in my car and just drive.  Sometimes I would park somewhere and cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.  I would stop and sort things out in  my mind.  I’d pray.  Sometimes I’d come out of it feeling better.  Others I’d have to take another drive and do it again.  I wanted to drive today, but how do you say, “Hey kids, I’m going to pull over and cry and sob and bawl and just try to be alone with God for a little bit.  You all just sit there and be good until I’m done, okay?” 

And then there’s this other thing.  What I’d give for a night alone with my husband!  I want more intimacy.  I feel we’ve been caught up in the business of life and there’s just so much going on we haven’t had time to invest in our relationship.  I just want some time alone so we can talk.  I want to know my husband more, and I want my husband to want to know me more, at a deeper level.   He used to ask me random questions and really listen to what I had to say, just trying to learn something new about me.  But how does that happen when at least one of five kids is sitting around, interrupting, or sneaking around trying to listen to our conversations?  How does that happen when his mind is consumed by this new job he is still working so hard to get to know? 

I forgot that part about moving.  How much it sucks to sit there and wait for my husband to get through learning and mastering his new position.  I’ve learned to be patient over the years, but I guess I’m not so much this time around. 

I guess that’s why I need a night out, just him and me.   No kids.  I guess a girl’s desire to be pursued by the love of her life will never cease. 

Then there’s a part of me that is hurting about a relationship that I didn’t know was bothering me so much.  Something was said that made me realize, “Wow.  This person doesn’t know me like they used to, nor like they should.”  It’s amazing how over time, we can go from being so close to someone, to hardly knowing them at all.  I feel like I hardly know this person anymore, and this person really doesn’t know me either.   

And yet through all this, I have to admit that I feel God pursuing me in a way I can’t explain.  So even with all these tears and frustration, I know something good is going to come out of this – even if it’s just allowing some healing in my heart and learning how to let myself cry like a baby again.

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